From the first day of honest and committed abstinence, I have had the gift of waking up without shame for my actions of the day and night before. I used to walk around with constant shame for the secret life I had with food, hidden from the people who knew me. I was not a social eater. In public, I chose diet-type foods, and prided myself for my reputation of not eating sugar and of having vegetables and the “will power” to maintain my normal weight. But alone in the evening, all bets were off, and I dove into sugar and flour with abandon. I used bulimia, exercise, and chewing and spitting out food to keep the weight off. My eating was like that of a hungry animal, voracious and rushed. I would read or watch TV shows while I binged—I did not want to be conscious. A therapist (I... Continue Reading
When I was 23 years old, I had everything going for me. I had amazing and devoted parents whose love I never doubted. I had a wonderful relationship with both of my sisters, whom I saw and spoke to regularly. I had just graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Yale University and had just been accepted to Brown for graduate school. I had a terrific job teaching second grade at a progressive school in Brooklyn, NY. I lived a few blocks away in the basement apartment of my aunt and uncle’s brownstone. That apartment was the envy of my friends because it was so spacious and comfortable. My aunt and uncle and five cousins constantly reached out to me, inviting me to dinner and trying to make me feel like part of their family. I had dozens of college friends and new friends living in the NYC area and I was known for... Continue Reading
I grew up in a pretty strict household, where food was accounted for. I learned early on to sneak food. My father had a strong work ethic and instilled it in me. By 15, I had a part-time job to pay for my school supplies, clothes, and many other expenses. I was very active in my church and high school sports. I became a Boy Scout Eagle Scout, and had a full-time girlfriend. By 18, my father and stepmother asked me to leave my home, and I set out to find my way in the world with not a penny in my pocket or any idea how to manage my life. I was bitter and pissed and felt that God and my family had abandoned me. But I told myself I was going to make it in spite of it all. Nearly a decade prior to coming into Program, I... Continue Reading
There I was again; my own insecurity was complicating the simplest of tasks. I had been in FA for 15 months, lost 100-plus pounds, and marveled at the changes in my body, mind, and spirit. I could now show up and participate in life…but I still was insecure. My neighbor had asked me if I minded watering the plants, getting the mail, and feeding her son’s goldfish while they were away for a few days. I fed the goldfish a “pinch” of food a day as she had instructed. Wow, was my pinch the same as hers? After all, I am a food addict. Could that be enough for the little guy? A little more couldn’t hurt. The next day I found the goldfish swimming funny. Surely it wasn’t the amount of food I gave him. No, I couldn’t have overfed him. By day three he was a floater—dead. I... Continue Reading
About six months ago, my parents were visiting for a few days for the first time since my husband and I moved to our new place. It was a Sunday morning in March and they were about to head back home. We were all walking out to our garage, where their car was parked, to see them off. As soon as we were about to enter the garage, we saw a man dart out with some of my parents’ belongings, which he had grabbed from their car. It was a scene from an adventure movie—a thief, quick and low, escaping with goods, and frantic victims trying to run after him. The man managed to flee, leaving us behind to deal with the police, the loss, and the fear. During those initial moments, the thief had no clue about all that he had managed to steal. As he would discover later,... Continue Reading
