I recently was at a birthday party for my oldest grandson. My daughter’s house was full of family and friends. My niece, who might be a food addict, is not interested in recovery at this time in her life (I sure wasn’t at 27 either). She can be difficult. In a room full of people, my niece said to me, “I could smack you for interrupting me again. You always are interrupting me!” I looked at her and thought she was showing no respect for me, and I was mad. In the past I would have said something to her to “set her straight.” I wanted to say something to my daughter, my sister (her mother), and anyone who would listen, about this rude behavior. I wanted to play the victim, but I did nothing except smile and walk out of the room to make a call to an FA... Continue Reading
I had 25 minutes to get to my doctor’s appointment across town. I decided the bus was faster than taking the subway. My lighter body took me to the bus stop quickly. Having lost 96 pounds, running felt so good that I kept running. Well, I got to the bus stop, but the bus was late. I was disappointed. I waited. When the driver finally arrived, he announced that he wanted to take a five-minute break. I thought, “A break! I have to be somewhere!” So I took off running to the subway. As pedestrians started to blur and sirens screamed past, a small thought whispered: Is this abstinent behavior? Am I getting a high from all of my hurrying? I got off the subway and ran four blocks uphill. Sweaty and out of breath, I arrived at the building just as the bus rolled by. Easy does it never... Continue Reading
I was born the oldest child of four, and the only daughter. I always felt like I did not fit in anywhere. I was not overweight, but I was made to feel that I was. When I look back at pictures, I see that I was healthy, but not overweight. My parents were very hard on me, especially my father. I was now told I was lazy, stupid, and ugly. Home with the folks I had to repeat grade one, since the teacher told my parents I could not read. In my second year in grade one, the teacher suggested to my parents that my eyes should be tested. It turned out that I had a severe stigmatism and could not see. But the script was written for me. I was constantly reminded at home that I was lazy and stupid. I did not have many friends and never seemed... Continue Reading
One aspect of my food addiction is obsession with weight and thinness. Before coming into FA, I was never satisfied with myself, even when my weight was normal (which was maybe for a week or two). I was unhappy because my stomach stuck out. In the beginning of my recovery, when I was 27 years old, I lost too much weight. I can admit to that now, but at the time, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was 5′ 5″ tall and got down to about 113 pounds. I looked like a teenage boy, with no body curves. I remember sitting next to a friend in my AWOL meeting and gloating about how wonderful I felt in such a thin body. She turned to me and said, in no uncertain terms, “That’s not attractive!” I just blew it off, dismissing her words. Thank God that woman eventually became my... Continue Reading
I once heard that addicts have arrested development—that when our disease takes over, we simply stop aging emotionally. That is certainly my story. Although I have had problems with food for as long as I can remember, my addictive eating really took off when I was 11 years old. That was the year when I went from the safe, protected world of elementary school, to the rough and tumble halls of middle school. Suddenly, my best—and only—friend decided that she was too cool for me, I became a latchkey kid because my mother picked up more hours at work, and I was thrust into a world of social pressure that I was totally unequipped to handle. My first reaction to life was always food, and life started to get very uncomfortable. So I ate. A lot. My daily routine began with a trip through the ala carte line to spend... Continue Reading
