I lay strapped down on the operating table and looked up at the bright lamps and masked faces above me. In preparation for the major surgery I would undergo, I had been given no food for several days to clean out my gastro-intestinal system, and I was pumped full of antibiotics and sedatives. I was trembling uncontrollably and kept hearing my parents’ voices when they phoned me the night before. “Don’t do it!” they begged. “There must be some other way for you to lose weight.” But nothing would stop me now! I was finally going to have the weight-loss surgery for which I had waited so long. My last thought as the anesthetic sent me spiraling down into a whirlpool of darkness was, “I don’t care if I die. I can’t go on living like this.” I was 33 years old, with a husband and three small children, and... Continue Reading
I joined FA in April 2010. I weighed 304 pounds (138kg) at that time, though my top weight was 330 pounds (150kg). I’m grateful to be maintaining a slim, healthy weight, but this is just one of the benefits of being abstinent. Before FA, I had a very co-dependent relationship with my partner. We loved each other dearly and were madly in love, but when we would have arguments, it was WAR. Each of us was ready to fight to be victorious. After huge arguments and battles, I was exhausted. The only way I knew how to make amends was to cook great meals and then eat the issue away. We never could resolve our arguments and disagreements, nor communicate about certain topics in our relationship because we did not have the skills. So when I found FA, I no longer could use food as a tool to try and... Continue Reading
For years, I wrestled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I worried about everything, from raising children and being a responsible citizen of the world, to having enough money. Although I was an active member of a religious community, I had no relationship with the God of my upbringing. At the same time, I struggled with my eating. I say eating rather than weight because my weight fluctuated so much. The numbers on my bathroom scale were not always a problem, but I habitually went on the “diet to end all diets,” which I told myself would get me down to an ideal size, whatever that might be. I would then, of course, start eating healthily and follow new exercise regimes that would rid me of my cellulite. My relationships with other people were not as I wanted them to be. I was impatient and angry with my family, as well... Continue Reading
I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) in Vancouver when I was 30 years old. I was 5’ 6” and weighed 189 pounds (86 kilos). I lost 60 pounds (27 kilos) and have consistently stayed the same weight for the last three years. I was on the frontier [term previously used to describe an area far away from an established in-person FA fellowship] from the start but was lucky enough to have two small meetings at the time. When I came into recovery, I was desperate. I had again ended up lying on my bed in the fetal position after a binge. The negative voice in my head had become so painful to listen to. I was done! I searched online for “help for binge eating” and “counselors” popped up, but I had been to many of those. FA also popped up, and this was new. I called the FA office next day from work, so scared. I connected with the fellow who answered because we shared similar childhood experiences. I... Continue Reading
At my last annual physical, I told my doctor that he should try reverse psychology, suggesting that instead of telling me to lose 25 pounds, he should tell me to gain 10. He was not amused. Frankly, I had gotten to the point in my life where I could not seem to lose even 5 pounds. I was pre-diabetic with cholesterol over 300 and arthritis in my knee, shoulder, and fingers. I had been in another twelve-step program for food fourteen years earlier, and I had gotten down to 214 pounds (97 kilos), but eventually I decided I could do it on my own and left that fellowship. So there I was, 57 years young and 5 foot 11 inches tall, when I finally crossed that “line-in-the-sand” with my weight and reached 280 pounds (127 kilos). I was shocked; I’d never been above 250 (113 kilos)! So, right away, I started eating more “sensibly” and getting in some light exercise. Ten days later, to my horror, the scale said 293 (133 kilos). At that point, I refused to get on the scale, so I have no idea how much bigger I got. Yet, this drove me back to the other food program where... Continue Reading
