“I would suggest eating out two or three times,” my sponsor said. Um what? Two or three times?! Was she serious? We eat out two or three times per day. She doesn’t understand. She just doesn’t understand the dynamic of my family vacations. This wouldn’t be possible, point blank. Nope, sorry. Not going to happen. Panic, anger, annoyance, and frustration set in. But mostly, panic, or as we might call it … fear. I didn’t totally lose it on the phone with my sponsor, but I did mumble something along the lines of, “alright, I guess I’ll just ask God for help.” I thought, “There’s no way I can do that. I’m not sure if I’m willing. What would it be like? I’m going to miss out. People will judge me and this program. I borderline hate this program. It’s ruining my social interactions. If I eat out four times... Continue Reading
It was my second meeting. The woman who I sat next to asked for my number: “I am new and looking for people to call,” she said. I stiffened. How do I get out of this? Why would she want my number? Was she looking for friends? I didn’t want anything to do with some lonely person. “I’d rather not give out my number,” I said. I made a beeline for my car as soon as the meeting ended. A week later, I started program with a qualified sponsor. My sponsor told me about outreach calls, and now the woman’s asking for my number made sense. She wasn’t some “lonely person,” but rather working her tools. I didn’t have the humility then to see that I was the “lonely person” who did not pick up phone calls from family and friends. I started a phone AWOL (A Way of Life)... Continue Reading
While I don’t wish away time anymore as I did in active addiction, I am grateful to have a lot of those “firsts after getting abstinent in FA” out of the way- that first Thanksgiving, first birthday, first family cookout, etc. While the majority of the difficulty arose from my concern with what other people thought of what I was or was not eating, as a newly abstinent person I did have to learn how to ask for what I needed for abstinent meals. Before attending a friend’s wedding (my first in FA) I did my due diligence and called ahead. It was clear that the buffet was not going to work, so I told the manager what I needed and he said there would be a separate plate for me straight from the kitchen. I would just have to let the waitstaff know. As promised I received a... Continue Reading
My son called me on a Tuesday evening and announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married 10 days later. “Wow!” was all I could say. Then, he told me they were having their reception on a date I couldn’t attend. I was quiet, but secretly I was sobbing at missing my son’s wedding reception. How could he exclude me? Doesn’t he want his own mother to be at the reception? were some of the thoughts racing through my mind. Thankfully, I had been in program long enough to stay silent when things upset me and to take it to my quiet time, my Higher Power, my sponsor, and my fellows, until a clear and peaceful answer came to me. The Just for Today quote “I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt but I will not show it,” was running through my... Continue Reading
I just attended my first FA Business Convention in Danvers, Mass. With much encouragement to do self-care, I took a quiet walk around the hotel. Over the past year and half, since joining FA, I have been trying to formulate my vision of my Higher Power. I was suddenly struck by the beautiful scene in front of me of green grass, trees, and vibrant flowers; so I sat on the steps, and wrote this: “I’m choosing to call my Higher Power (HP): My Goddess. I get to define her exactly how I want; no one else has to understand or even agree with my definition of my HP. I don’t have to share her with anyone. She’s part older sister, part mom, part aunt, part friend, part sponsor. When I need extra protection, she’s part Wonder Woman! My Goddess is strong, smart (she knows things I... Continue Reading
