I walked into the Renaissance Faire and took a deep breath. Mingled with the cool, autumn air and earthy smell of leaves was the aroma of festival food. Before I came into recovery that scent was something I looked forward to every year—the fried foods, the food on sticks, the sugary desserts. I had been going every year since I was a kid and the thing I remembered most, rather than the shows, the games, or the elaborate costumes, was the food. I liked it so much I got a job there and for two years in college my Septembers and Octobers were punctuated by weekends of bingeing on festival treats, so much so that the majority of my meager paycheck went right back into the pockets of the vendors selling the items I liked best. On Sunday nights, knowing that I would have to go another five days without... Continue Reading
I am a food addict and I need continual help with making honest choices. Although I did want to look honest and conservative, prior to FA, honesty was not on my radar. For me “looking honest” meant security would bug me less when I shoplifted. My shoplifting was primarily for food. I would eat handful after handful from the bulk food bins, steal flour items from the bakery, eat sample after sample, and open packages and leave the rest on the shelf. I felt terribly guilty but I just stuffed more food in my mouth in a futile and insane attempt to “fix” the problem. Sometimes I would get especially brazen and fill my backpack, pockets and clothes with food. It was terrifying and humiliating to have the alarms go off and to be grabbed and chased by security. Sometimes I escaped and a couple times I didn’t. I went... Continue Reading
This is my fifth attempt at my first 90 days. So many describe their experience as a moment of epiphany (often some sort of “bottoming-out” experience) followed by a headlong dive into the program. These “all in” folks seem fueled by trust and fervent commitment. They’ve given their will a kick in the pants and turned themselves over to their sponsor for guidance and their God for spiritual sustenance. I am not one of those people; my journey has been that of a cynic. Having tested and re-tested all of the homilies of the program and tried every-which-way to torque the program to my needs, I have finally — first in the dim recesses of my mind, then in the new energy and health of my body, and, most powerfully, in the new calm and joy in my spirit— finally come to accept the wisdom of each tool and each... Continue Reading
Turning to food was definitely my natural reaction to life. Hadn’t it always been there for me? Surely I couldn’t survive without it. I’d always turned to food when I felt happy, sad, mad, scared, rejected, worried, or abandoned. Food got me through, but now what I had once called “my friend” seemed to have betrayed me and become my greatest enemy. I couldn’t seem to get enough food in me anymore, and it wasn’t bringing the relief it once had. The food wasn’t working anymore! What else was there? When I decided to come into FA, it felt like it was my last option. I was exhausted and hopeless, and I weighed more than I ever had. I had said I’d never hit 200 pounds, but my weight was headed to the mid-200s and not stopping. Surprisingly, it really wasn’t the weight that brought me in. What drove me... Continue Reading
Twelve years ago, I had no idea how to eat without bingeing and purging; I didn’t trust food or myself. Staying in a hotel and traveling with others was a nightmare. Sometimes I’d feel trapped, stuck in a binge that I couldn’t stop and unable to purge because the hotel-room toilet was impossible to use without others knowing what I was doing. Desperate, I would make an excuse to go to the lobby and find a more secluded bathroom. I’d also drink excessively and blame alcohol for my vomiting. My solutions always involved multiple lies and incredible shame. Sometimes I’d feel temporary relief and comfort, but I always woke up the next day with fear and a frantic need to stop my obsessive eating. There were times when I’d gather the “perfect” binge foods and book a hotel room. I’d get the most inexpensive room possible, the only requirement being... Continue Reading
