I had lost almost 135 pounds. Then, sitting at one of my committed FA meetings, I obsessed about food to the point that I entertained the thought of stopping by the local Foster’s Freeze on the way home. I did not, but the next day, I was still struggling with the food obsession, still trying to force the thoughts out of my mind. I did not turn to my higher power and my fellows. Instead, I ran errands on my lunch break and ended up buying a sugar item that opened the door to more flour and sugar items during the rest of the day and into the evening. As I journaled about it later that night, I realized I have been afraid of what “recovery” would look like. I imagined that recovery would mean taking responsibility for myself. This would include reaching out for the help I need as... Continue Reading
I have an obsessive mind. By the time I made it to FA, my food obsession had developed to such a point that I didn’t really get it when people said to call before the bite. How did a person know the bite was coming? In early recovery I had a lot of breaks. One time, I was out on a bike ride and talking on the phone with a fellow. I finished the call and then went into a store and ate. Another time I took my dog out for a walk to the park early in the morning. Harmless, right? Not for me. I ended up walking my dog to the store and ate. Breaks like these kept happening. It was really helpful when I was encouraged to continue working all the tools every day. I was also told that I could make as many calls as I... Continue Reading
I was 241 pounds at my first weigh-in. I was so grateful to find FA that I was willing to do whatever needed to be done to get into recovery. I got abstinent and found a sponsor right away. A month later I had already lost 18 pounds. Oh my God! This is a miracle, I thought to myself. I was motivated and excited to see that kind of result so fast. Then it happened, that moment that made me stop in my tracks. Just a few days after that miraculous first weigh-in. I took a test and learned that I was pregnant. My first response was not overwhelming joy, but dread. Although my husband and I had prayed for this blessing for over two years, I had gained over 70 pounds with my first pregnancy. As I stared, incredulous, at the test result, I really wished that I could... Continue Reading
This summer, I went to my first Renaissance fair. My friend and I walked around the booths, admiring everyone’s elaborate costumes and the beautiful, handmade wares. We watched jousting matches, a demonstration of trained tigers and leopards, and my friend even played an archery game. As we walked around, I kept seeing signs for a pony ride. “I’d love to ride a pony!” I joked with her. She said she wouldn’t mind, but I said the ride was probably just for kids. When we found the pony ride, it was indeed for children, but I looked up and saw a sign that said “Weight limit: 130 pounds.” Not only was I less than 130, I had 12 pounds to spare! My top weight had been 206 pounds, but thanks to FA, these days I weigh in at a slender 118 pounds. I asked the woman running the pony ride if... Continue Reading
In my first 90 days of abstinence, I was kind of a disaster. I cried my eyes out for the first 30 of them. I felt exhausted, irritable, self-conscious, confused, and totally unsure of who I was. It was a week before my twenty-fifth birthday when I started, and my dad had just sent me a cookbook as a gift. Seeing it in the box made my heart sink because I knew I would no longer need cookbooks in my life. I also knew I’d soon be letting go of my Bon Appetite and Gourmet magazine subscriptions, my juicer, my fruit dehydrator, my pasta maker, my top-of-the-line Cuisinart, and all my other fancy cookware. I no longer needed this type of paraphernalia in my life. I had heard in a meeting that first week, “Our food is in black and white today so our lives can be in color.” As... Continue Reading
