My brother, two years my senior, died unexpectedly. It was a sad, heart-breaking and bewildering time for those of us who knew and loved him. Our relationship had been a complicated one, so there were many conflicting feelings that arose. I had been abstinent for just over eight years at the time. I was in an AWOL (A Way of Life, an in-depth study of the Twelve Steps) and had established several close relationships with other FA fellows. When I first learned that my brother, who had gone into the hospital for hip replacement surgery, was in the ICU, I immediately made plans to drive the eight hours to Pennsylvania from my home in Maine. Early on a Saturday morning, my husband and I packed our bags, got in the car and headed for Boston where I attended my AWOL, something I knew would fortify me for the journey ahead.... Continue Reading
My first abstinent day in FA, I weighed 197 pounds (89 kg) and wore size 20-22 clothes. I am only 4 feet 11 inches tall, so that was a lot of weight for me! I had been what I called “fat” for years and had struggled to do something about it, joining many weight loss programs, but to no avail. Only with FA was I truly successful. I now weigh 128.5 pounds (58 kg) and wear size 10 clothes. My story begins the morning of my 75th birthday. I was now three quarters of a century! My husband and I filled our car with gas and headed to the grocery store. En route, I spotted a sign on a building that read “Indoor Climbing.” A friend and I used to walk at our neighborhood mall, and we would stop and watch the children climb the rock walls. I would tell... Continue Reading
“I would suggest eating out two or three times,” my sponsor said. Um what? Two or three times?! Was she serious? We eat out two or three times per day. She doesn’t understand. She just doesn’t understand the dynamic of my family vacations. This wouldn’t be possible, point blank. Nope, sorry. Not going to happen. Panic, anger, annoyance, and frustration set in. But mostly, panic, or as we might call it … fear. I didn’t totally lose it on the phone with my sponsor, but I did mumble something along the lines of, “alright, I guess I’ll just ask God for help.” I thought, “There’s no way I can do that. I’m not sure if I’m willing. What would it be like? I’m going to miss out. People will judge me and this program. I borderline hate this program. It’s ruining my social interactions. If I eat out four times... Continue Reading
It was my second meeting. The woman who I sat next to asked for my number: “I am new and looking for people to call,” she said. I stiffened. How do I get out of this? Why would she want my number? Was she looking for friends? I didn’t want anything to do with some lonely person. “I’d rather not give out my number,” I said. I made a beeline for my car as soon as the meeting ended. A week later, I started program with a qualified sponsor. My sponsor told me about outreach calls, and now the woman’s asking for my number made sense. She wasn’t some “lonely person,” but rather working her tools. I didn’t have the humility then to see that I was the “lonely person” who did not pick up phone calls from family and friends. I started a phone AWOL (A Way of Life)... Continue Reading
While I don’t wish away time anymore as I did in active addiction, I am grateful to have a lot of those “firsts after getting abstinent in FA” out of the way- that first Thanksgiving, first birthday, first family cookout, etc. While the majority of the difficulty arose from my concern with what other people thought of what I was or was not eating, as a newly abstinent person I did have to learn how to ask for what I needed for abstinent meals. Before attending a friend’s wedding (my first in FA) I did my due diligence and called ahead. It was clear that the buffet was not going to work, so I told the manager what I needed and he said there would be a separate plate for me straight from the kitchen. I would just have to let the waitstaff know. As promised I received a... Continue Reading
