When I came into FA, I was on Social Security disability because I am bipolar. I had a doctor who signed a letter saying that I would never work again because I was so mentally ill. I was bingeing and purging, and trying to not go back to using meth because I knew I would lose my disability and my housing. I had seen too many addicts throw everything away in the chase for the drug. I intuitively knew that every binge led to drinking, which led to meth, which led to jail, etc. But there was still no way on earth that I could quit bingeing and throwing up. I was desperate when I came into FA, and I fell in love with the program, even though I kicked, balked, and screamed at virtually every sponsor suggestion. By working with a strong, committed sponsor and taking all of her... Continue Reading
When people used to ask me what my greatest fear was, I wouldn’t say spiders or heights, I would say that I will fall in love with the man of my dreams, get married and be blissfully in love, and then a little while down the road he will wake up and realize that he doesn’t love me and that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I had always been afraid that I wouldn’t feel confident with the decision to marry. I thought that I would be thinking, on my wedding day, that this guy who I was committing my life to was a pretty good guy, good looking, and someone I respected and enjoyed, but that I wouldn’t feel passionate about him. I thought I would have doubts or feel that I was just settling, because I would think he was the best I could get.... Continue Reading
I got abstinent in a college town, where every other door was a food outfit. Many of the doors were very familiar, as this was the town where I had gone to college and had frequented many of the local eateries. As I walked down the street, the soundtrack in my head went something like this, Maybe I’ll have a …, no. Maybe I’ll go to …, no. Maybe I’ll get a…, no, not today. The food thoughts came fast and furious. On one particular day, as I heard the barrage of thoughts flying through my head, I thought, Man! I wasn’t this obsessed with food before I got abstinent! Almost the instant I had that thought, I realized that the reality was that before I got abstinent, every time I thought about food, I ate food. I never had to sit with the thought in my head and ride... Continue Reading
When I was a kid, my favorite summer activity was to go down to the beach and build a sandcastle. Not a little one either. We’re talking a massive endeavor with several layers of fortifications. It generally required the concerted efforts of three or four siblings and cousins to excavate and construct the sand behemoth, and the bigger it got, the more effort it took to maintain it. We’d build it close to the waves and with every added ring of walls, our construction would come perilously closer to the water. Nothing beat the thrill of trying to keep a layer of wet sand from collapsing under the onslaught of a vicious, uncaring wave. The satisfaction when a monster wave came along and almost, but not quite, annihilated the outer fort was unmatched by any other pleasure I could experience as a ten-year-old boy—except, of course, for the joy this... Continue Reading
I was born to working parents and I had one brother, six years my senior. As a child, I stayed with my grandfather during the day while my parents worked. To my delight, my grandparents lived on a farm with several cows, chickens, pigs, cats, dogs, and a pony. My grandmother had a lovely vegetable garden. Life was good and food was plentiful. My mother and grandmother were great cooks and bakers and were more than eager to teach me. I learned well and enjoyed the instant gratification that came with smelling the aromas emanating from the kitchen. Thus began my love affair with food. My weight problem started when I would eat breakfast with my parents and again with my grandfather. Then I would go across the street to my aunt’s house for another breakfast and also for extra lunches. I think I probably ate so much because I... Continue Reading
