I found FA when I was lonely, scared and full of remorse about the volume of food I packed away daily. I weighed 284 pounds. Despite my daily vow to stop eating, I could not do so and I was awash with feelings of shame about the staggering volume of food I managed to eat day after day. I had taken a new job in a distant town requiring me to live apart from my family. I was very lonely. Within days of taking up my new position, I realized how much my new employer had neglected to tell me about my situation, which led to fear. In the building where my new job was located, there were 26 steps between my office on the first floor and the meeting rooms on the second. I began to have pain every time I dragged myself up those stairs. When I attended... Continue Reading
I heard at a meeting once that to forget your last binge could be fatal. At the time, I was concerned by that statement because I don’t remember my last binge, as it was not overeating that brought me into FA, but the torment of restriction. I understand now that my last period of restriction was my “last binge,” and forgetting it could result in my returning to the food, and, ultimately, progressive insanity or death. I was 26 and dry in AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) for a year. I still smoked marijuana when I could, took various psychiatric medications which I had manipulated my doctor into prescribing, and was using food full force. In the early months of not drinking, my weight peaked at its highest level ever, and I felt horrendous—fat, ugly, dirty, and ashamed. My reaction to this was to restrict my food and over exercise, a pattern... Continue Reading
When my mother died, my life fell apart and my relationships with my family hit an all-time low. My siblings and I were fighting over my mother’s estate, and I was very unhappy with my life, my husband, and my children. When you asked me how life was, my response was, “It sucks!” I was unemployed, on welfare, and all the things that were wrong with my life were someone else’s fault. I suffered a mild depression due to the stresses of my mother’s passing. Since my youngest sister and I were the only beneficiaries out of seven siblings, there was a lot of family resentment. At the time, my doctor prescribed antidepressants, but I was so afraid of being addicted to pills that I did not take them. However, I was eating uncontrollably, using food to escape from the pain of living and from the sadness of having lost... Continue Reading
What was wrong with me? As far back as I could remember, I just wanted more of that snack, more of that treat. I can remember starting to notice that other kids didn’t seem to stare at food like I did. At the theatre I couldn’t even focus on the movie once my favorite movie treats had been eaten. All I kept thinking about was how I could get more. As I went into adolescence and my body began to change. The weight began to show up and everyone could see I had a problem. I was plagued with thoughts of how different I was from everyone else. I had no will power. Other people had it, but not me. I thought: shame on me. As I became a young adult, my food obsession began to grow. I needed more and more food to cope with life. Food was my... Continue Reading
This morning I yelled at my two older kids. They refused to get out of bed, spoke rudely to me and my husband, and made us late. I was furious and I was not nice. I told my son he never thought about anyone else and I called my daughter a princess. Steaming, I got them and their little brother into the car. I had to drop my youngest at preschool first, and when I tried to leave, he clung to me. His anxiety was a humbling reminder that he is affected by my anger even when it’s not directed at him. On the way back to the car, where my other two were waiting, I paused to pray for the first time that morning since being on my knees. I was still mad, but I knew my behavior had been wrong. I have learned in AWOL (A Way of... Continue Reading
