Today is day 90 of abstinence—again. I have been in and around FA since I was 19 years old. I suspect I was 236 pounds when I started in what felt like the hottest summer of my life. I was wearing long, torn-up jeans, the last of my size 20s, with holes that were patched with fabric because my thighs were rubbing together so much. I was unwilling to get a size 22 from the fat women’s store. I took a liking to an old, dark, purple men’s sweater with a hole in the neckline that covered me and felt comfortable. I hated myself so much that I didn’t care if I had showered and brushed my teeth or not. I had thoughts of suicide almost daily. I did not have a life because of the layers of addiction that fueled my existence. I was looking for everything outside of... Continue Reading
I was sitting at home having an internal argument with myself about whether to attend the Diabetes Expo in my city, yet again. I had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a few years earlier and had attended the expo a few times in the past. I never really felt that I got much out of it, other than a few freebies and samples. For some reason (I now say it was God whispering in my ear), I decided to go. As usual, I didn’t feel I got a whole lot out of it until I happened upon a table with some banners behind that said, “Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous.” It immediately piqued my curiosity, because my sisters and I had just been having a conversation about being addicted to sugar. We were having this discussion while we consumed large quantities of flour and sugar items. I saw that... Continue Reading
As a child, I was chubby and suffered from extreme fear, doubt, and insecurity. I have a history of sexual abuse by my father, but that isn’t why I ate the way I did. What I have learned is that no one is to blame for my food addiction. I have a disease that is physical, mental, and spiritual; and it led me down a path of self destruction. Adolescence was hard for me. I lived in books and films and spent a lot of time eating at the movies and in front of the television set. I just wanted to drift away and feel good all the time. I “became” characters from the books I read and the movies I saw; my biggest obsession was Marilyn Monroe. I always felt fat and “less than”, except when I was caught up in a role. I became bulimic at age 13.... Continue Reading
I have come to like hiking in the mountains. It is no longer an obsessed struggle against my body weight in a search for a better body feeling, or a desire for a “legal” intake of food in order to reward an excess amount of exercise. In abstinence, hiking for me is getting into a rhythm of breathing and slow, rhythmic walking. It is almost meditative. On this particular day in early September, it had been snowing for the first time in the mountains, where I spent my vacation. I decided to do a medium-sized hiking tour to a mountain peak, which can be reached over a long, stretched trail on a crest, providing a gorgeous view over the alps. I had packed my weighed and measured lunch and planned to eat it upon arrival in the lobby of a restaurant on top of the mountain. I walked slowly, enjoying... Continue Reading
September I always loved school. I loved learning, and shopping for all the new school clothes. But I hated having to buy clothes in sizes that were bigger than last year. When I became a teacher, it was very depressing trying to find anything to wear because I continued to get bigger and bigger. It was the perfect month to “start a new diet”—a fresh school year, and a fresh start at my attempt to lose weight. October Halloween is the first of the year’s events that I think of as the food addict’s “Trifecta,” a term used in horseracing in which a bettor wins by selecting the first three finishers of a race in the correct order of finish. Halloween has always been a favorite holiday for me, not only because of the sweets. I love disguises and costumes, but I could never fit into any of the good-looking costumes... Continue Reading
