As I look at my computer keyboard, I can’t help but notice the keys named “option” and “command.” I look at these keys many times during the day, and I always think about my life choices before FA and my choices now that I am in FA recovery. When I first came into FA, I heard many of my sponsor’s “suggestions” as commands. She advised me on how to food shop, what type of food scale to buy, how to weigh and measure my food, what times to eat my meals, and what meetings to go to. She asked me to call her at exactly a certain time, and advised that I take 30 minutes of quiet time, make phone calls, and follow other tools of the program. So commanding, I thought. Before FA, I could not stop eating when I wanted to stop eating, not for one day, not... Continue Reading
Before Program I just wouldn’t open the mail it if it looked unpleasant. One time I got some mail that I think was saying that I was supposed to go to court. I’m not sure, because I just tossed it and then I binged and purged until my mind was blown. Months later, my disability payments got shut off. I had gotten a felony charge because I had not shown up to court. Now when I go to answer the mail, I still get a leap of fear in my heart, probably because I’m still new at opening it. My sponsor in FA says that she checks her mail every day. Oh God! No way, I thought. But I can’t let fear rule my life anymore. It will send me back to the food. So I try to say a little prayer and go to gratitude. So today I went to check the mail. I took... Continue Reading
I walked into the room of my very first FA meeting on a Sunday evening, feeling cocky, arrogant, pig headed, angry, and self-absorbed. At the same time, I also felt shy, extremely frightened, terribly disturbed, isolated, and withdrawn. This confusing way of being, having so many conflicting emotions running the show at one time, was standard for me. That was before FA and especially before going through an AWOL. I would wake each morning bewildered and confused about what to do for that day, not sure of which way to turn. I had trouble determining what it was I had to do next. Sometimes on really bad days, I would question how I could even make it through the day. I would have long drawn-out arguments inside my head (not out loud, for if someone had ever witnessed these arguments, they would have locked me away). These interior head arguments... Continue Reading
I weighed 280 pounds when I came into program at age 22. I have lost 145 pounds and have maintained my weight loss for over six years. As far back as I can remember, food and weight were problems for me. I was embarrassed about my weight as a child and was teased by other kids because of it. I always felt as though I didn’t fit in. Not only was I chubby, I was very insecure and fearful. I tried to buy friends and ended up being mean and bossy with them because they never met my expectations. I thought losing the weight and being able to fit into designer jeans would solve these problems. When I finally did lose some weight and bought those jeans, I quickly learned that it wasn’t the answer. My home life was also very chaotic, and food was my main source of comfort... Continue Reading
Today is day 90 of abstinence—again. I have been in and around FA since I was 19 years old. I suspect I was 236 pounds when I started in what felt like the hottest summer of my life. I was wearing long, torn-up jeans, the last of my size 20s, with holes that were patched with fabric because my thighs were rubbing together so much. I was unwilling to get a size 22 from the fat women’s store. I took a liking to an old, dark, purple men’s sweater with a hole in the neckline that covered me and felt comfortable. I hated myself so much that I didn’t care if I had showered and brushed my teeth or not. I had thoughts of suicide almost daily. I did not have a life because of the layers of addiction that fueled my existence. I was looking for everything outside of... Continue Reading
