Temptation is subtle, quiet, cunning, and powerful. When faced with temptation, I have thoughts that I actually believe are great new ideas or epiphanies. My ideas usually start something like this: Wouldn’t it be nice to have…, or how about eating this tonight to break things up…, or this food is really boring, so let’s go out to eat “real food.” Living in recovery means learning to be able to distinguish between sane thoughts and ideas and those of when my food addiction is speaking to me. The food addict thoughts want to sabotage the spiritual path I am on in FA. I can walk on the spiritual path or on the self-serving path of food addiction. I can’t confuse the discomfort I may be experiencing in my life with the “great ideas” of my disease, which chooses to solve that discomfort with food. I refuse to give into my disease. I realize that... Continue Reading
Fairly early on in recovery, I heard people share at meetings that we addicts have a disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity. It took me a while to really understand what that meant and how it applied to me. I knew I was obese (280 pounds), but I didn’t know what that had to do with fear, doubt, and insecurity. When I got a food plan from a sponsor and stopped eating addictively, and as I sat in meetings and listened, I started to remember how big a role fear played in my life from very early on. I didn’t have a whole lot to be afraid of as a child. I lived in a very safe suburban town, my parents did not mistreat me, and I had never experienced any trauma. Nevertheless, I was terrified of the dark, of ghosts, of getting stung by a bee while playing outside,... Continue Reading
It took me nearly seven months to get my first 90 days of abstinence. I came into FA desperate for help, but not for help with my weight (213.5 pounds and growing). I was resigned to being fat and was even resigned to being unhealthy. But I was not prepared to be crippled, to die, or to leave behind my two little children. And I was not willing to continue to abuse my children with my frustration, hopelessness, and rage. I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I ended up at an FA meeting. I was late, shy, and I sat in the back of the room, cringing and covering my face with my hands. Too much of what was said in the front of the room resonated with me and made me uncomfortable. But while I knew very little about FA, I was sure that I knew enough to know that I didn’t want... Continue Reading
Quiet time. When I first started Program, those two words struck fear in my heart. I dreaded quiet time like an insomniac dreads bedtime. My mind raced like a hamster on a wheel. What’s on my to-do list for today? I need to remember to go to Staples, go to Staples, go to Staples; I’m going to forget. I need to write it down. I’m supposed to be quiet, not write. I’m not doing this right. I can’t stand just sitting here. I could be getting things done. I’ve got a lot to do. This is stupid. Nothing’s happening here, except I want to jump out of my skin. What am I supposed to be doing while I just sit here? I don’t even know what my Higher Power is, let alone have “conscious contact.” What do you mean, “Take it to quiet time?” I talked to other FA members... Continue Reading
I was always the big girl with a pretty face. When I was eight years old, I knew I was a freak. One day the whole student body had to go out to the schoolyard to be weighed. As the children were weighed, the teacher called out their numbers. When my turn came, I weighed 124 pounds; the other kids in my class weighed about 70 pounds. I was so hurt by the remarks I heard. I knew that if only I could be smaller, everyone (including me) would be happy. From that day on, I was on and off some diet. No matter what I did, it never lasted. I was next to the youngest of four kids. I had two older brothers and one younger brother. I tried to be just one of the boys. My mom always tried to get me to be a little lady. My... Continue Reading
