I always resented being fat. I never fully accepted responsibility for what I put in my mouth and how it showed up on my body. All my life I had been told that I was “statuesque,” “big-boned,” and had “child-bearing hips.” My mother was overweight, and so was her mother, and I was told that heavy women run in our family. It really didn’t seem to me as though I could do anything about my weight. So I ate to numb the pain of the rough hand life had dealt me. At age 55, standing 5’7” tall and weighing around 270 pounds, I really resented the doctor telling me I was morbidly obese, that the knee replacement surgery I had hoped for to cure my arthritis could not be done unless I lost some weight, that I was pre-diabetic, and probably had sleep apnea. I also suffered from a litany... Continue Reading
I clearly remember my first day of “abstinence.” I was 370 pounds and desperate to be free from the spiritually deadening confines of my food addiction. I was getting to the point where I was ashamed even to walk outside of my house; ashamed to be seen. I had a protective wall up against the world. I didn’t really know at the time that my misery was connected to food. I still thought food was a comfort, a secret sanctuary that I could use to soothe myself through the stresses of the day. But it was a lie. I went to an FA meeting and readily obtained a sponsor, who I had known from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). She was a tiny woman, but was large in love and concern for me. She was fierce and straightforward, and I didn’t know how to deal with her. She had taken me to... Continue Reading
Have I always been a food addict? I do not know. I do know that as a scrawny little kid, I was afraid of everything and felt alone in my large family of eight. I do remember stealing $20 from my mother’s purse to buy sweets at the corner store. A sister, who was a year older than I and the favorite of my mother and father, suddenly and unexpectedly died from influenza in 1954. Devastated by their loss, my parents were no longer able to function as parents. At the age of six, I had to quickly learn how to take care of myself as well as my six siblings. Staying alive became the focus of my life. I developed a list of things I could do and how to “be” in order to survive, and I began playing a role rather than being the person I was meant... Continue Reading
My daughter, a party planner and FA member, asked me and another FA fellow to help her with a party for ten 11-year-old girls. The girls were all excitedly chatting around the table, where they were delighting over the delicious birthday treats. One of the girls had some kind of allergy and had to bring her treat from home. All of a sudden, one of the girls leaned forward and exclaimed loudly, “Can you imagine if there was such a thing as allergy to sugar!” We three FA members looked at each other and smiled. Little did she know…
“There is the likelihood that you have multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow), based on your test results,” said my doctor. Not exactly the words one wants to hear after having a minor test for a completely unrelated problem. He repeated this statement a couple of times to make sure I understood the potential severity of the situation. I guess my lack of a panicked response made him think I had not heard or understood him. My reaction, or lack thereof, was not a conscious effort; it just seemed “normal” to me. I admit that I did not react in the way I would have before joining FA a little over three years ago. Before Program, my reaction to this news would have been driven by self-centeredness and self-pity. I would have been blaming my higher power for doing this to me, and I would have been face down... Continue Reading
