Fairly early on in recovery, I heard people share at meetings that we addicts have a disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity. It took me a while to really understand what that meant and how it applied to me. I knew I was obese (280 pounds), but I didn’t know what that had to do with fear, doubt, and insecurity. When I got a food plan from a sponsor and stopped eating addictively, and as I sat in meetings and listened, I started to remember how big a role fear played in my life from very early on. I didn’t have a whole lot to be afraid of as a child. I lived in a very safe suburban town, my parents did not mistreat me, and I had never experienced any trauma. Nevertheless, I was terrified of the dark, of ghosts, of getting stung by a bee while playing outside,... Continue Reading
It took me nearly seven months to get my first 90 days of abstinence. I came into FA desperate for help, but not for help with my weight (213.5 pounds and growing). I was resigned to being fat and was even resigned to being unhealthy. But I was not prepared to be crippled, to die, or to leave behind my two little children. And I was not willing to continue to abuse my children with my frustration, hopelessness, and rage. I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I ended up at an FA meeting. I was late, shy, and I sat in the back of the room, cringing and covering my face with my hands. Too much of what was said in the front of the room resonated with me and made me uncomfortable. But while I knew very little about FA, I was sure that I knew enough to know that I didn’t want... Continue Reading
Quiet time. When I first started Program, those two words struck fear in my heart. I dreaded quiet time like an insomniac dreads bedtime. My mind raced like a hamster on a wheel. What’s on my to-do list for today? I need to remember to go to Staples, go to Staples, go to Staples; I’m going to forget. I need to write it down. I’m supposed to be quiet, not write. I’m not doing this right. I can’t stand just sitting here. I could be getting things done. I’ve got a lot to do. This is stupid. Nothing’s happening here, except I want to jump out of my skin. What am I supposed to be doing while I just sit here? I don’t even know what my Higher Power is, let alone have “conscious contact.” What do you mean, “Take it to quiet time?” I talked to other FA members... Continue Reading
I was always the big girl with a pretty face. When I was eight years old, I knew I was a freak. One day the whole student body had to go out to the schoolyard to be weighed. As the children were weighed, the teacher called out their numbers. When my turn came, I weighed 124 pounds; the other kids in my class weighed about 70 pounds. I was so hurt by the remarks I heard. I knew that if only I could be smaller, everyone (including me) would be happy. From that day on, I was on and off some diet. No matter what I did, it never lasted. I was next to the youngest of four kids. I had two older brothers and one younger brother. I tried to be just one of the boys. My mom always tried to get me to be a little lady. My... Continue Reading
I had so many fears, doubts, insecurities, and resentments when I first came into FA. I weighed 244 pounds and didn’t know about food addiction, recovery, or how desperate I really was. At my first meeting, I sat at the back of a tiny room in a church (of all places), with my arms crossed, angry and frustrated, and busting out of my clothes. But I heard something that changed my life. I heard hope. I don’t remember the name of the happy, skinny lady at the front of the room, but I did hear enough of a story similar to my own. I heard that there might be a solution to the chaos and craziness going on in my head. I came back to another meeting and am thankful to the kind people who, at the break, gave me numbers of potential sponsors and advised me to take it... Continue Reading
