I had a beautiful baby and an amazing husband, and all I wanted was to be alone and eat. I couldn’t stop the crazy cycle of bingeing, purging, and laxative and exercise abuse. At my worst, I took up to 60 laxative pills per week and vomited so violently that I burst the blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. I also manipulated my doctor into giving me prescriptions for antidepressants and other drugs that had weight loss as a side effect. Every time I finished a binge, I swore that the next day I would just eat normally. I vowed it was the last time. I would lay in bed at night, hating myself for not being able to control myself when it came to food. I lived a lie. On the outside I had a thin body. In public I ate normal portions, but behind closed doors... Continue Reading
My son was born almost three years after I came into Program. I had been bulimic for about 12 years prior to my coming into FA. Before I got pregnant, I had some concerns about the impending weight gain and body changes, but I actually loved being pregnant and felt really healthy. The extra weight came off easily after my son was born, and I learned how to adapt my new schedule and responsibilities to fit with the tools and disciplines that supported my recovery. But I had a break in my abstinence when my son was two. I was still using my tools, but not with the same vigor as I had before. I was having a hard time being a parent. I had unrealistic expectations for myself and for my son as well. I slipped into negativity quite frequently and started isolating, even though I was going to... Continue Reading
As a food addict, taking the next right action is not a natural response for me. In fact, taking action of any sort can be a challenge, and sometimes making a transition from one thing to the next can seem like it requires tremendous effort. Tonight I came home from work, and after eating my committed, weighed, and measured dinner, I have been sitting in my favorite comfy chair to watch a TV show that I like. The show has ended. I know the next right action is to get out of the comfy chair and take care of some necessary personal business: balancing my checkbook and writing out my monthly budget. I know this is the next right action, but frankly…“I don’t wanna!” The same thing used to happen to me when I ate addictively. I would start eating a particular food, and I wouldn’t want to stop. This... Continue Reading
Until recently, family visits have been such a struggle for me. I chose to hang onto the idea that being a food addict was a fundamental flaw that made me “less than” everyone else around me. This would cause obsession around food and a constant generalized anxiety about whether or not I was saying or doing the wrong thing. I obsessed over questions like, “Should I eat what I committed or sit down with the family and eat what was prepared last minute? Should I be using my scale around the company or weighing and measuring with my eyes?” I felt self-conscious about asking for plain food or even about taking up too much room in my sister’s refrigerator for the food I needed. After talking with my sponsor about my food questions, doubts, and insecurities, it became clear that there were ways to simplify my responses in the moments... Continue Reading
When I joined my last AWOL (a group study of the Twelve Steps), I agreed to avoid caffeine for the duration of the AWOL. As in previous times when I had stopped consuming my regular morning caffeine drink, I experienced a three-day splitting headache. Would I never learn? Although I did not particularly like the substitute beverages I drank, I kept the commitment. As the end of the AWOL neared, I began to have a longing for that time when I could again partake of caffeinated beverages; they were calling out my name more loudly each passing day. Finally, I asked one of the AWOL leaders when that day might be when I could resume drinking caffeine drinks, and she responded, “Why would you want to?” I had no answer for her, but in my mind it was, “Because I want to.” I continued to romance the thought of that... Continue Reading
