My daughter’s thirtieth birthday was earlier this month, and she wanted a special family birthday. She asked me to invite the whole family for the entire day to celebrate, play board games, watch home movies, hang out, and eat family meals together. Although I usually serve guests the same food as I eat, this time I did end up cooking two other special dishes for my family. They finished one of the dishes, but there were leftovers of a special Jewish dish that was a tradition in my family when I was growing up. When everyone left that evening, I kept asking them to take the leftovers, but they did not. There I was with the leftover dish. I stood in my kitchen with thoughts racing in my head about maybe freezing it, or using it as a base for something that I could cook for my family. I even... Continue Reading
In the beginning of my recovery in FA, everything was about my sponsor and me. I felt like a kite that could soar and ride the wind, safe in the knowledge that my sponsor held my tail string tightly in her hand. I was connected to her, and connected to the greater FA fellowship through her. She nurtured and guided me, and I ranked her as a “higher power.” Then came the day when that connection broke. My sponsor was no longer able to be a sponsor. Up to that time, I had simply followed her suggestions. I had not had to think or act on my own behalf because she held the reins. It felt scary to separate from her, and I did know if my recovery could survive beyond my relationship with the person who had initiated my FA journey. I now had to be responsible for myself, to... Continue Reading
Recently my husband and I had the luxury of spending a week in the Florida sunshine…a most welcome break from January in Vermont. Our hotel was right on the beach, our days were sunny and in the 70’s, and not once did I set an alarm clock—no schedule, no agenda. We were in an area where there are FA meetings, and I had the opportunity to qualify and see some FA fellows whom I don’t see very often. Sounds good, right? And good it was. The problem I had was when I got home. I currently hold two jobs, so all of a sudden, there was a need for the alarm clock, there was an agenda, there was a schedule, and there was cold air and gray skies. The party was definitely over, and I was back to the daily grind of my life. At one of my jobs, we... Continue Reading
Doctors had told me during my adolescence that if I just got to 180 pounds I would be okay. Two years ago I went to the doctor, hoping that she could set me straight and help me lose some weight. I was usually between 190 and 210 pounds. On the doctor’s scale that day, I weighed in at 230. Fortunately for me, my doctor wasn’t interested in being my personal trainer or dietician as I had hoped. Instead, she told me about FA. I was angry, sad, and scared when she told me that my weight was a result of my eating, but when she told me about FA, I felt genuine hope, maybe for the first time. I couldn’t wait to get to the meeting the next morning. I went to the meeting and cried as every person spoke about a different part of my disease. I was worried... Continue Reading
Through college I struggled with doing FA and maintaining contented abstinence. I so often let my diseased negative thoughts grab my serenity and take me on a ride down ungrateful lane. This cycle happened over and over during my first six years of FA. My weight didn’t go up too much most of the time, but I saw clearly how my grades and all of my relationships suffered when I wasn’t working my tools, taking my sponsor’s suggestions, and getting relief from food obsessions and compulsive actions around my abstinent food. I had difficulties with my first teacher-credentialing program, but I made it through most of my program the second time around with flying colors. I did eat towards the end of my time in school. This massive binge humbled me into the realization that there really was no way I would finish school if I was in the food.... Continue Reading
