A Story of Recovery:

Sanity Not Vanity

I came into FA for the sanity, not the vanity. At 5’5″ with a slight frame, I weighed 174 pounds, though my highest weight had been 188. I would go to yoga class, and then buy a complete meal at the drive thru. I promised myself every day that I was going to do better. I failed every single day. I could not stop eating. I was fat, yes, and sick of myself, but I joined FA in desperation because I was taking it out on my family. I yelled, cried, and regularly accused my lovely husband of sabotaging my weight loss efforts. After two bouts with breast cancer and suffering with high blood pressure and constantly aching back and hands, I knew I had to get off the flour and sugar.

In FA, I lost 56 pounds in about nine months. And now, with the tools of the program and through the grace of my higher power, I am learning to quiet the mental demons. I was born under the astrological sign Virgo. I criticize, and I analyze; it’s in the stars, right? I am learning in FA that this is not so. My sponsor reminds me I can keep my mouth shut, use the tools, call a fellow instead of lambasting my husband, and get down on my knees and pray instead of thinking I am (or should be) my husband’s higher power.

I tried it this week. My husband is usually kind and generous, so I think he must have been mad at me. In what I took to be a critical voice, he told me that he thought I should be helping to pay for a project he started. I took great offense at the tone in his voice. I’ve heard that, as addicts, we are super sensitive and cannot stand criticism. That’s me.

This time, I took my sponsor’s advice and kept my mouth shut. I got in the car to drive to a work-related meeting. Then the ugly thoughts went into hyper drive. If he thinks I need to give him money for his project, then he has another thing coming. I will remind him that I pay for all the television related expenses even though I don’t watch TV and don’t even want a television. He will have to start paying for expenses related to my projects, and then some.

The thoughts kept coming, each one more negative than the last. My sponsor has said when this started I should call my fellows and get it “up and out.” I was afraid whomever I called would just egg me on and I would spiral deeper into the negativity, but I tried it.

I called and called, and I didn’t reach anyone. But I kept calling, and I left lots of detailed messages—my cries for help. Then I got down on my knees and prayed, which was funny because I don’t believe in God. The only prayer I could think of was the one I say when the food is calling me, which always calms me down, “Thank you God, that’s not my food.” So I said it over and over again. “Thank you God. That’s not my food.”  It worked, kind of.

I also decided I was not going to speak to my husband about the issue until I could talk to my sponsor. I was conflicted, because I didn’t really want my sponsor to tell me what to do, especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband. I want to tell him everything and it seemed a little bit like over reaching for my sponsor to have a say in the most emotionally intimate relationship I have. But I kept my mouth shut.

The next day, I spoke to my sponsor and she encouraged me not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions, but to keep an open mind and pray, “God, help me to let go of the things I think I know and be open to a new experience.” During quiet time, the whole thing shifted in a good way. I prayed for equanimity, and realized that was what the Serenity Prayer is about. Then I was grateful that my husband trusts me enough to say what he wants to say to me, even if it sounds hostile, which perhaps it wasn’t, anyway.

I spoke to my husband then, bringing up the subject without rancor or confrontation. I simply asked him how important it was for me to contribute financially to his project, and he said, “Not at all. Don’t worry about it. I was just feeling grouchy.”

Peace and serenity comes, one day at a time, all from doing nothing, keeping my mouth shut, and using the tools. I am so grateful for FA. I am in a right size body, my back and hands don’t hurt, and I am off the high blood pressure medicine. I am learning to live and let live, with my heart full of love.