A Story of Recovery:

Self-Care in a Global Pandemic

Self-care sounds great in theory—bubble and pedicures; but in real life, self-care is dealing with life on life’s terms, even when those terms are in the form of a world-altering pandemic.

My history, along with binge eating, is one of negativity. Alcoholics Anonymous states “[The grouch and the brainstorm] may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” For me, the “brainstorm” includes fear, negativity, anger, and self-pity and whole host of other character defects. This is not to say I never venture down those paths—I am human; however, if I engage in negativity for too long, it will lead me back into the ultimate poison–food.

I don’t have TV, but I have become very selective of the media sources I read, and I have also pooled all my work emails related to the pandemic so I can read them at set times during the day rather than reacting to the onslaught of emails filling my in-box every hour. Within days of the media onslaught I deleted certain social media apps off my phone. Between the politics and fear-driven posts, I could just tell it wasn’t a healthy playground for me.

I have also taken care of myself by looking for the gratitude, and I have easily found it, which is not something I was capable of even just years ago. My mom is high-risk due to her age and health and lives several hours away, but she is taking care of herself, and if needed, she could come and stay long-term without us being on top of each other. Anyone who knows me and my “mommy issues” knows the fact that I would even consider this option is proof of the miracles of the FA Program.

I have been in Program for 10 years, and I have built a network of fellows who are like-minded, logical individuals. Some of these fellows have long-term abstinence; some struggle but never leave, others are fairly new, and all of us are affected in some form by this virus, but we have chosen not to give ownership to the fear. We share our fears, but we also share silly memes or other COVID-19 jokes we’ve heard. COVID-19 does not run all of our conversations. We also have other life issues, thoughts and feelings unrelated to the virus that we discuss, support, and help each other through, even when the greatest help is often just in the form of listening.

My corner of Washington has always had very tiny meetings and qualifies as the frontier. As one of the few fellows out here with back-to-back abstinence, I carry many service positions and often lead our meetings. Without face-to-face meetings, some of these service positions are not needed. Luckily, seven years ago I was asked to do service on the connection committee and have continued in that service position since. In addition, I continue to perform the service of sponsoring and have even started working with a sponsee trying to return after a year of experimenting on her own. Helping others is another way I take care of myself because I often hear what I needed to hear most when I am saying it to another fellow.

I am grateful that because of my job, I was already adjusted to the hurdles of staying focused and attentive at home and also unplugging and being off when the day is done. My job has also had a fair amount of overnight travel, and therefore my sponsor and I have already had many discussions about abstinent food options when we are in a pinch. So, when the healthy, fresh foods started dwindling to nothing during the panic-buying stage of the pandemic, I was un-phased when I could not find my preferred items, as I already knew alternatives and already trusted that these empty shelves were not ALWAYS going to be empty; I would get the food I needed. I trusted all my norms would be back in stock, and soon enough, they were.

Finally, I weigh and measure three abstinent meals a day. Our disease is cunning and baffling in that food is the problem, but tries so convincingly to tell us that it is the solution. I know there is only one solution for me. I tried the food as a solution and it betrayed me all the way up to 350 pounds and all the way down to a relentless depression. Weighing and measuring abstinent meals is the most significant self-care I do for myself each and every day: not because I want to every day, not because I feel like it every day, but because I need to every day. I need to take care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually, and this Program provides me a one-stop-shop for all my self-care needs.