A Story of Recovery:

Step 1 Revisited

For years I wrestled with issues of fear, doubt and insecurity. I worried and doubted myself about everything– from raising children to being a responsible citizen of the world to having enough money. Although I was an active member of a church, I had no relationship with the God of my upbringing.

At the same time, I struggled with my eating. I say “eating” rather than weight because the numbers on my bathroom scale were not always unpleasant. I was always going on the “diet to end all diets”, the one that would get me down to an ideal size (whatever that might be), and then I was going to eat in a healthy way. I was also always starting a new exercise regime that would rid me of my cellulite. My denial kept me from seeing that if I would eat in a healthy way to begin with, I would lose weight in the process.

I also knew that my relationships with other people were not as they should be. I was impatient and angry with my own family, as well as the students I taught. I felt resentment toward my parents for injustices I thought had affected my life. I resented anyone who had anything I wanted and did not have. I often had my feelings hurt by remarks people made, never realizing that the insensitive things I said to others were many times so much worse.  I frequently isolated from other people by losing myself in a good book, especially romance novels about heroines with perfect bodies who, once they find that equally perfect-looking swashbuckling hero, lived happily ever after. I often avoided social situations if my weight was up because I either hated how I looked or I couldn’t find anything that would fit me. If my weight was down, I feared that I would ruin my diet. I knew that once I started eating and drinking party food, I would have a hard time stopping until I got that disgusting feeling in my stomach that came from overindulging.

My anger was growing worse. I was consuming a lot of products that contained high levels of salt, fat, sugar and caffeine. I could no longer stay on a diet for more than a week, then a day, until I could not control my eating past 10:00 in the morning.

I heard about FA from the Internet. I was floored when I heard the definition of food addiction and that sugar and flour products were to me just like alcohol to an alcoholic or drugs to a drug addict. I began the program and lost the 50 extra pounds in approximately 6 months.

Fellow FA members, with much more abstinence and recovery than I, kept telling me to work an AWOL, a structured study of the 12-steps done in a group setting. I was convinced that FA worked physically, but I couldn’t see that it would help me in the other areas of my life. Improve my relationship with my husband? Help me get places on time without feeling rushed or having an outburst of road rage? Help me control my spending? I had my doubts, and my doubts kept me from making my abstinence a top priority in my life, one of the important requirements for staying in an AWOL.

In my denial, I left program for about 2 years, not going to meetings, not having a sponsor, but trying to be abstinent. Trying to work FA alone was not possible for me for a single day. I avoided sugar and flour but binged on salty fatty foods and products with Splenda. My weight fluctuated much like before program.

I finally came back when I realized how unmanageable my life had gotten. My husband had suffered a heart attack. I thought it was my job to restore him to health. I was letting my job control me. I was having a tough time accepting that my grown daughters had their own lives to lead that didn’t always include me.  I was truly at step one: I was powerless over food, other people, places, and things AND my life was unmanageable.

I have now completed several AWOL’s. By surrendering my food addiction and my will over to the God of my understanding and no one else’s, I have received the tools I need to live life one day at a time. Of course, I have maintained my weight loss, but the greatest gifts have been serenity and peace. I am more patient, less angry and more focused than I have ever been. I have realized that I have the greatest husband and daughters I could dream possible. My resentments toward my parents have completely vanished. I have realized that they were not perfect, but did a whole lot of things right. I do not take offense to things people say as much because I now see that they are imperfect human beings just like me. I am thinking before I speak or react. I still enjoy reading, but I’m picky about what I read. I prefer books about real people overcoming real obstacles. I still have a long way to go, but with FA I have tools for living as well as fellow food addicts to whom I can talk, people from my tribe who speak my language and “get” me. It’s funny, but discussing food rarely comes up in my conversations with my sponsor or fellows. I get my feelings and fears up and out and that makes them less scary. FA is not a food program but a spiritual program that helps me stay at a healthy weight one day at a time.