A Story of Recovery:
Sticker Shock
When I came into recovery 14 years ago, one of the first things my sponsor said to me was, “Okay, let’s put first things first; go ahead and give me your food.” A light went on for me at that moment. “First things first” was one of those expressions I’d heard or seen on bumper stickers, but never understood. Suddenly it meant something to me. That was the beginning of my understanding of the word “priority.”
My sponsor gave me my new priority list, in order: 1) recovery, 2) family, and 3) job. That meant that I had to take care of my recovery first and above all else. Because of the way that first conversation had begun, I had a sense of what that might mean and how to accomplish it. If something is at the top of the priority list, it means it has to be done first. Wow! It may seem silly, but I truly did not know that. In my disease, my primary approach to life was to do the thing I most felt like doing, thinking it would motivate me to do the other stuff that had to get done. When the thing I felt most like doing was eating, I argued that if I ate at that moment, it would get the food off my mind and then I’d be able to concentrate on the task at hand. I guess I don’t need to say how well that worked!
Early in my recovery, there were several things that required me to stretch myself to meet this priority list. For one thing, I was told to go to three committed meetings. This looked impossible for me. I am a freelancer and my schedule is not entirely regular. My sponsor simply said, “Well, that’s how this works.” So I sat down with my calendar and a meeting list, and found three meetings that I could go to that wouldn’t be in too much conflict with my work life over the next few months.
A bit later, I joined an AWOL meeting that met every Wednesday night, so I could study the Twelve Steps in depth. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that participating in an AWOL was really important. I learned that I couldn’t miss two meetings in a row, or else I would be out of the AWOL.
It was then brought to my attention that I had agreed to two professional engagements on successive Wednesdays. I went to my colleagues and told them the problem. One of them said, “Wow, this thing must be very important. What is it?” I told her, and offered to help find someone to take my place. Although I don’t think they were extremely happy about it at the moment, they did find someone else without too much trouble.
There are some simpler, more day-to-day things that are acts of putting my recovery first. For example, I make sure I always have the food in the house that I need for my food plan. I know how much to buy, and I make sure not to run out of things. I plan my meals by cooking ahead of time and packing up food when I know I won’t be home for mealtime. When I was in my food addiction, I used to get sudden cravings for particular foods and drop everything to feed the craving. If it wasn’t a specific craving, I would open the refrigerator again and again, staring inside, trying to find the thing that would “do it.” Then I would give up, drop everything, and go out to get something to eat.
I learned that I need to go to bed on time in order to get up in time to take quiet time, call my sponsor, or take sponsee calls. Sometimes that means letting go of a TV show I want to watch, or going to bed before my partner, even if she grumbles a bit. Getting proper rest is very important to my recovery. As I see it, there are two kinds of fuel we get as human beings: food and sleep. If I don’t get enough of one, my body starts looking for the other one!
I continue to go to three meetings each week, even though my daughter hates it. She doesn’t really understand this yet, but I know that without those meetings, without this recovery, she doesn’t exist. It’s as simple as that. Once she asked what would happen if I didn’t go to my meeting sometimes. My partner replied, “She’d be very grumpy!” My little girl may not always like what I have to do, but she has a mother who is clear-eyed, consistent, and healthy. She has never seen the alternative, and God willing, she will not have to, as long as I continue to put my recovery first.