A Story of Recovery:

Surrendering the Struggle

Hopeless. That is pretty much how I felt about the thought of ever weighing under 300 pounds again. At my worst, I weighed 373 pounds, and I was only forced to confront that reality because I was hospitalized with congestive heart failure and they made me get on the scale. That reality check—grounded in an absolute fear of dying—was enough to get me to change some of my ways.

I was put on a low sodium/restricted fluid diet, and within seven months had taken off 65 pounds. But then, my chief motivator, fear, began to wear off. I found I could manipulate the daily sodium numbers and add in some flour and sugar products. I stayed “good enough” to not regain the weight, but over the course of another year and a half, I only lost six more pounds.

My cravings for the sugar and flour products I “allowed’ in my diet were getting stronger and stronger. I knew that I had to do something quickly or the numbers on the scale would be going up again.

Because of a unique Twelve-Step program that I attended, I was familiar with the Twelve Steps, but I couldn’t figure out how to apply the program to my “issues” with food. I talked about my struggle at a meeting, and the next day, a man who had attended that meeting called to tell me about a lady he had met who “did something with Twelve Steps and food.” I called her immediately.

I met the woman (who would soon be my sponsor). We talked for about 20 minutes, and she explained the addictive nature of sugar and flour. The light bulb went off in my head. I got it! I understood why letting those sugar and flour products back in my diet led to the uncontrollable cravings. It all made sense.

I jumped in with both feet, understanding little, but trusting that it all would work. Then, I entered day two. Suddenly the whole scope of the program came into focus. Call three strangers every day? Go to AA meetings? With those people? Get up early, even on weekends to call my sponsor? Hold on here. I was just planning on changing my diet, not changing my whole life!

The phone calls were almost a deal breaker, until I talked to my parish priest about them. He told me to do three things: 1) listen to your sponsor, 2) listen to your sponsor, and 3) take the phone list to prayer every morning for two weeks and pray for each person by name. “They are just friends you haven’t met yet,” he said. It was great advice, and I could feel my attitude changing.

It was difficult to adjust to the AA meetings. In my head I knew that addiction is addiction, but my ego was just so inflated that I couldn’t see myself as being the same as the others at the meeting. I left many a meeting in tears, vowing to never go back, but through the grace of my Higher Power, I kept going back. I now respect the people who are there, and I respect the process of recovery that those meetings embrace. I do, however, look forward to the day when we can start an FA meeting here.

When I was one week into FA, I became desperately ill with severe diarrhea. It was so bad that I couldn’t work for two-and-a-half weeks. My sponsor was wonderful as she worked with me to remain abstinent. My doctor ran every test known, including a colonoscopy, and my sponsor helped connect me with other FA members who had remained abstinent through medical distresses. They never found a definitive cause for my symptoms. Now, I believe that my body was going through a complete detox after almost 49 years of indulgent eating.

One of the many miracles that I attribute to FA involves my high blood pressure. For 24 years I was on daily blood pressure medicine. I was able to come off the meds completely on day 32 of Program. What a blessing!

So it is 90 days later. I have lost 45 pounds. Everyone told me when I started the program that the weight loss was just a “happy by-product” of FA.  Ninety days ago, that seemed like a ridiculous idea; today, I understand.

By weighing and measuring my food, seeking my Higher Power, listening to my sponsor, and embracing the fellowship, I have found a new path that has led me out of hopelessness to a life filled with hope.