A Story of Recovery:

The Addict Voice

On my sponsee’s third day in program, he said, “I’m starting to have thoughts like, this is stupid. This is never going to work. This is too much work and it’s too hard.”

I could identify with him. It took me a long time in recovery to learn that the voices in my head were not the “real me.” I was embarrassed to tell anyone about the thoughts in my head. Before I joined FA, my thoughts would tell me, you are a wimp. You ran three miles yesterday, so run three miles today! You don’t deserve to eat. You will never be good enough. If you make any mistake, cover it up. These voices were what ultimately led me to bulimia and chronic dieting. I wanted to eat what I wanted, but I didn’t want the food to show up on my body.

I thought that if people knew the true me, they wouldn’t like me. Deep down, I thought I must be a bad person. For this reason, I felt that I should not tell anyone the truth about my thoughts. However, in meetings, I heard people tell stories about the voices in their heads. People in program say that when you shine the light on the closet, the boogeyman goes away, and this is what happened when I told other FA members about the voice in my head. I was able to see that the voice was ridiculous, and I learned that I did not have to listen to it. When I was in my disease, I didn’t know that I had any power over the voice, and I thought I had to do whatever it suggested. In recovery, I have learned to recognize whether the voice is helpful or hurtful. When it is suggesting something hurtful, I now have an awareness that I do not have to obey.

In FA I learned not to identify with the “addict” voice. I am not that voice. I can recognize it and learn to identify it, but I also have to realize it is not actually “my” voice.

I told this to my sponsee, and he said it helped a great deal. I am abstinent today and hope that I can continue to pass on what I have learned in this program, which is that, Just For Today, I do not have to hurt myself with food.