A Story of Recovery:

The Cooking Monster

I am 49, and I have been cooking meals since I married at 23 and moved to my own home. I wanted to emulate my mother and aunts who entertained regularly, cooking feasts of food for our large extended family, including the traditional Greek foods they had learned in their homeland before migrating to Australia.

Early on, I collected cookbooks, attended cooking classes, and obsessively collected recipes from magazines, collating them into folders. I was determined to compile the perfect menu for each upcoming dinner party or family barbeque. As the years passed, cooking became less of a creative pastime and more of a chore which I resented. I was fearful of not serving the perfect meal or not serving adequate quantities, and I spent hours deciding what to cook. I was constantly afraid of not having enough time to prepare the meal. Any pleasure I had previously experienced in sharing my home with guests evaporated, and in the hours before guests arrived, I would be manically preparing food and demanding my family members help. Instead of it being a bonding experience, it became such a stressful situation that my husband and daughters began to suggest that we not entertain. My guests would often comment that I seemed anxious, which was the one thing I didn’t want them to notice.

During the preparation time and when guests where in my home, I rarely felt hungry, and I often forgot to eat. But once the last guest had left, that changed completely. I remember the excitement I felt that the leftovers would all be mine, especially the desserts, and I would wait for my family to sleep so I could raid the fridge. All the pent-up emotions I felt leading up to the event would finally be released, causing an insatiable appetite.

When I started in FA, my sponsor suggested I keep things simple and cook only abstinent food for family and guests. She might as well have asked me to serve the food naked! Serving abstinent food would mean admitting to the world that I was different, and it would expose who I really was. However, as hard and uncomfortable as it was, I took a leap of faith and followed her suggestion, believing her when she said it would lead me closer to God.

Now that I am in FA, I do things a lot differently. Leading up to an event, I speak to my sponsor about any fears. I also reach out to other members who help me take the next right actions and keep things simple. I pray to my Higher Power to help me relax and carry me through the day of the event.

Now when I entertain, my family and friends comment on how healthy and delicious my simple meals are, and they seem genuinely happy to be sharing a meal in my home. I don’t obsess over menus now, and my fear of not serving enough is diminishing. I am more relaxed leading up to entertaining and during events, I am present for my guests instead of stressing out about the food. My husband has lost weight too, which has had health benefits for him, and my daughters appreciate the consistency of my cooking—when I put my recovery first, everyone benefits, and my relationships are better.

Entertaining in abstinence has helped me become more humble and true to who I am. That cooking monster in my head is finally quieting down.