A Story of Recovery:

The Dating Game

I came to FA at the age of 47, after 16 years of trying in other Twelve-Step programs to string together some long-term abstinence. Once I had lost 78 pounds, and another time I lost 100 pounds, only to see it fall apart. I watched all that weight come rapidly back on. When I found FA, I knew I had my answer, and was determined to shut off my head and follow directions. I lost 80 pounds and found a level of serenity I had never imagined. So how did I find myself having a slip and starting over? It was a slow decline.

After being divorced for many years and with a new thin body, I decided I was ready to start meeting men again. I discussed this with my sponsor and began Internet dating. After several less-than-enchanting experiences, I met a charming, handsome, successful, alcoholic lawyer who I was crazy about. I told my sponsor everything about him and our relationship…except the alcoholic part. I didn’t want to hear her tell me that maybe he wasn’t a good idea, even though I knew her to be extremely non-judgmental and loving.

I was so immersed in making this relationship work that I started missing my regular Saturday morning meeting because, after all, I was in a relationship now and my boyfriend wanted to go for a bike ride and breakfast every Saturday morning (although even he admitted the bike ride was only for the beer he could get at the end of it). He wanted to see me every night, and I was having a hard time putting some limits on that.

I thought I could take care of the other things in my life, but I wasn’t taking care of myself with my meals. I was technically abstinent, but was going too many hours between meals and eating out more than I was comfortable with. I also didn’t tell any of this to my sponsor. I felt like I was desperately trying to hang on to my abstinence.

The peace and serenity were gone. I often found myself crying when alone, imploring to God, “What am I doing here?” I had been in relationships with alcoholics before and had vowed never to do it again. I found myself spending many hours in a bar watching him drink, then helping him stumble around to find his car, driving him home, and pouring him into bed where he immediately passed out. I’m not blaming him; he was doing his thing and I was a willing participant.

It came to an end one night for me when we were supposed to go out to dinner and I arrived at his house to find him and a bunch of his buddies all drunk and hoping I would take them to get more booze. I told them I needed to go get some dinner for myself—my first stroke of sanity. As I drove away, I knew I couldn’t rationalize this anymore.

I finally came clean with my sponsor and told her everything. She listened with love as she always did, and at the end said, “I think you know what you need to do.” I went for a run after work the next day and it became very clear to me that I needed to get away, and that this relationship was not good for me. I called him that evening and broke it off. I was in a lot of pain and missed him terribly. He called me many times, wanting to talk and be friends, but that was too painful for me. I asked him not to call anymore. He called anyway. But instead of calling him back, I would call one of my FA friends who would lovingly talk me through it and help me see that I didn’t want to call him back.

I put myself back on the Internet, vowing to get this thing with men right! I got back to my three meetings again, which was a good thing, but my self-confidence was shaken, and I was still having a hard time taking care of myself as I went on all these dates. I thought no one was as exciting, or made me feel as beautiful as my previous boyfriend had. How short my memory was!

One night I was out on a date with another lawyer who I found somewhat intimidating. When we got to the restaurant, he announced to the waiter that we were going to have a light dinner. My mind immediately started spinning. I thought, What does a light dinner mean? I don’t do light dinners! When we sat down, he ordered a bowl of Lobster Bisque soup. I went into a panic and couldn’t decide what to do. If I ordered everything I needed, it would cost $35.00. Should I do that? Should I offer to pay? What would he think? I found myself saying that I would have a bowl of vegetable soup. I rationalized to myself that it was, after all, a cooked vegetable, and “less is more,” or so my sponsor told me. By the next morning I knew I was in trouble and that I needed to go back to day one. I was letting my old codependent behaviors and fears about what someone else might think get in the way of doing what I knew was right for me. I told my sponsor and started over.

I recommitted myself to my program with fervor. I knew what I had almost lost and was filled with gratitude and surrender. I sat back at meetings for those 90 days and really listened to people share, especially those who had years of abstinence. I wanted to know how they did it, because I knew that’s what I wanted.

My sponsor moved and let me go, so I started with a new sponsor. She told me to write down everything I wanted in a man right down to eye color. Then she told me to slash my list to the top three things I absolutely had to have. My top three were: good character and integrity, no active addictions (I knew my attraction for alcoholics), and a job (I had met several men without jobs and I knew that would be a problem for me). Now, I could hold up the men I met to these absolutes and move on if warranted.

I began to weigh and measure my dating, not letting it take over my life. I’ll never forget one of my next dates when the man said, “Do you want to get dinner? I don’t usually eat much dinner, just a light appetizer. Do you like to eat dinner?” I thought to myself, Oh boy, here we go again. But this time I said, “Oh yes, I love dinner. I always eat dinner.” Then I proceeded to tell him a couple of places where I could go to dinner. We had a great time, I ordered everything I needed, and he ate his appetizer. It didn’t bother him at all, in fact he called me all the time after that. Incidentally, the lawyer from the soup incident never called me again. I guess he wasn’t so impressed with my accommodating ways.

About eight months after the breakup, I met a charming, successful, handsome doctor with 30 years of sobriety in AA. We shared about our respective programs on the first phone call. We dated for two years, were engaged for a year, and have now been married for a little over a year. He is completely supportive of my program. In fact, he gives our brochures to patients all the time.

My husband is one of the finest human beings I have ever met, and I am happy and grateful every day that my experiences led me to where I am today. I now have almost six years of back-to-back abstinence. I am deeply committed to my FA program today because I know, without a doubt, that my happy, contented life depends on it!