A Story of Recovery:

The Truth Comes Out

I received an upsetting letter from my parents yesterday. They recently learned that I am a lesbian, and in their letter, they disowned me and said that my “lifestyle was shameful and an abomination.” My first instinct when I read the letter? It was to get down on my knees and pray for them, which I did. That is nothing short of a miracle.

I came into the FA program filled with shame, confusion, doubt, insecurity, and guilt. I was riddled with fear about coming out to my parents, about my sexuality, and about how I would fit into the world as a gay Nigerian woman.

I was extremely self-centered, and I had been having suicidal thinking. I was also 62 pounds overweight, and was using food and alcohol, and sometimes drugs and cigarettes. I felt like my life was spinning out of control and slowly unraveling. I thought that I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be, but I couldn’t be the person my family wanted me to be either. I felt like my family would reject me, and that I was going to kill my mom, shame my parents, and ruin my family, and that I was going to be unhappy and all alone. The chatter and “committee” in my head were in full force, and I just needed all the noise in my head to stop. If I could have put my brain on ice and walked away, I would have done so. I had read self-help books and had done a life coaching program, spiritual retreat, and other transformational work, but I couldn’t seem to get a handle on myself and my life. I was wondering what was wrong with me. I learned that I was a food addict and that I had a disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity. I had a mental obsession with food, and was spiritually bankrupt and literally blocked from my higher power.

When I first started program, I didn’t believe I was a food addict. I had always loved food and loved to eat. I recall having food fantasies from a young age. I loved the idea of food, and had used food to escape, but I still didn’t believe I was a food addict, and I thought the term was dramatic. I also did not connect with people’s stories about bingeing, because I felt I did not eat all that much. However, I had struggled with my weight and had wanted to be thin since I was 15, and at 62 pounds overweight, I must have been eating something! I did connect instantly with people’s shares about fear, doubt, and insecurity however. Even in the food fog I was in two years ago, I knew that I needed help, and that I was my own worst enemy.

So I stayed in FA, and one day at a time, I worked the program. I got a sponsor, took her suggestions, joined an AWOL (even though I really did not want to), and worked my tools. One day at a time, I got better. And boy, how my life has changed!

Today I have a higher power, which I call God, and I know that God loves me and accepts me exactly as I am. I am in a right-sized body. I love wearing my size 6 (or sometimes 4!) jeans. I love my body today, even my stomach, which I used to hate.  I am less self-centered, and am able to get outside of my head and do service for others. I have more of the peace and serenity that I had always wanted. I have less fear, doubt, and insecurity, and when those feelings come up, I use my tools, and they work. I am clearer on what I want for my life, but I practice living life on life’s terms, because I finally know that I am not in charge. God is the one running the show, and all I have to do is show up.

So today, I can show up for my family and pray for them. I can have compassion for my parents and accept them as they are today. I know that they love me and want me to be happy, but they are filled with fear, doubt, shame, guilt and bewilderment, much as I was. They are not so different from me, and because of this program, I can have patience with where they are right now. I believe that God and the FA program have saved my life, and they continue to save it, 24 hours at a time. Thank you God!