A Story of Recovery:

The Weight of the World

For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been full of fear, anger, and resentment. The type of resentment I’ve had is not anything I would have called fear or self-centeredness at the time, and it always started the same way.

First I would feel annoyed or bothered. Over time, the emotion would grow into agitation. What started off as a nuisance turned into a full-scale resentment, as it engulfed my thinking. I would have to escape from the feelings that were overwhelming me. I would eat, and the feeling would dissipate for a time.

So on one particular day, as I sat isolated in the conference room at my workplace, I felt a growing sense of tension. My chest and shoulders tightened and simultaneously expanded into what felt like a never-ending parade of stress. I could feel the walls around me getting smaller; I felt that the weight of the entire company once again rested on my shoulders.

Working at a small IT company, my job often had extensive travel, late nights, and early mornings—often under tight deadlines and with short notice. Another last-minute scheduling change had me flying overseas yet again to assist on a project. This immediately took me to a place of deep-seated self-centeredness. The anger and resentment in me were screaming a profanity-laced tirade in my mind of all the misdeeds and injustices that were happening to me.

Whenever this sort of thing occurred before, I knew just what to do with it—get up and take a walk right over to the kitchen, where the vending machines stood in the corner, filled with the flour and sugar remedy that would cure all ills. After all, I deserved it. By eating, I could not only drive down my fear, anger, and resentment, but also would put myself into a state of chronic food fog. Prior to Program that was been my reaction to life’s troubles.

At over 300 pounds, I was angry, depressed, and scared. I was thirty years old, but every day I felt like I had the body of a 60-year-old man. I was resigned to the fact that I would never in my lifetime be free of the food shackles, or be able to have some escape from the daily stresses that kept me so tightly wound. Every day I felt I was one step closer to dying.

I would periodically have “freak-out” moments, when I would be in the shower, and without warning, I would feel this sudden intense sense of impending doom that I was going to die and that there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t sit still for more than one minute. The nervous energy built up in me.

The food had become a daily escape from what I perceived as the horrors and injustices of my life, and nothing I ever did felt like it would be good enough… ever. I was a wreck, and I was using food, work, and relationships as my drugs of choice. A workaholic, I always found that the only way I would feel useful in my life was through my career. My job served as my buffer from coping with the discomfort I felt in my life, and food served as a buffer for the discomfort I felt in my job. As I became more successful at work, I only further isolated myself from friends and family; I had no social life.

Just before my 31st birthday, I was out of options and out of luck. A family member had suggested that I might try coming to an FA meeting because they thought it might be good for me. I resisted for quite a while. Finally, in a moment of desperation, I acquiesced.

On a Saturday morning, I hauled myself out of bed and into Somerville at 10 a.m. for my first FA meeting. The solution did not come to me on that particular day, but thank you God, a seed had been planted. It would take many more months before I would come to regular meetings, take a sponsor, and start to live a day at a time.

But back at work on that particular day, I did not eat. Instead, I reached into my bag, produced a phone list, and began making calls. I don’t remember if I was able to get in touch with someone right in that moment. But just through the act of picking up the phone and reaching out, I was able to reset myself.

I see now that God was working in my life that day and allowing this program to help me let go of some of my resentment. I won’t say that I don’t have resentments, fear, and anxiety, but by the grace of God, some of those fears and resentments have changed. I know today that God has a plan for me, and even through difficult situations, God is here along with this fellowship to help me walk through difficult situations a day at a time, free from addictive eating.