A Story of Recovery:

To Sleep, Perchance…

Since my early teens, I’ve slept poorly. I rarely had trouble falling asleep, but I’d wake up too early, my brain in gear and unable to disconnect. Unable to fall back to sleep, I’d reluctantly get up and start my day after four-to-six hours in bed, always feeling sleep-deprived.

I started working the FA program over three years ago. I was 204 pounds and ate all the time. By committing to the FA food plan and doing all of my tools daily, I am enjoying a 70-pound weight loss and have embraced a way of life for which I am truly grateful.

I hoped that by working the FA program I’d be relieved of this affliction, as if the Promises from the AA Big Book had a hidden clause just for me. When I continued to wake up early, (actually waking up even earlier so I could do my quiet time and talk to my sponsor), I included in my nighttime prayers that I sleep according to God’s will that night. When I awoke in the morning, I thanked God for the rest I did get. There, I thought, that should show God my acceptance; won’t that be enough to make me sleep better? Apparently not, because my sleep patterns did not change.

I strongly suspected that my continued insomnia was related to my not fully surrendering my will and my life to the care of my Higher Power. I just didn’t know how to get to that place. I came into program without any understanding of God, so having found my way to believing in a Higher Power was a significant transformation for me. I continued to work my program to the best of my ability and let go of my wish to sleep better.

Recently I have turned a corner with my sleeping. For the past couple of months, I have consistently slept six or more hours every night. I don’t think it’s merely coincidence that I also have found myself more deeply committed to trusting that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself in all aspects of my life. Rather than asking God to walk with me (leaving me at the center of the equation), I now ask God to lead me through my life. This shift in my perception of my place in the world has not only affected my sleep, it has also allowed me to experience more serenity now that I have faith in my Higher Power to guide me and care for me a day—and a night—at a time.