A Story of Recovery:
Voices in my Head
Before I came into FA I had plenty of internal dialogue. Thoughts such as “better grab something now before I get hungry” and “whelp, today is already ruined, I will re-start my diet tomorrow” rattled and raved around in my brain constantly. These voices were strengthening my disease, while weakening my will and spirit, and eventually diminishing all hope that I would ever gain control of my weight. I was tired of failed attempts to diet. I had always tweaked, adjusted and altered every diet I ever tried. So when I came into FA, I declared I would do every crazy thing suggested, that way I could say the reason FA didn’t work was my sponsor’s failure, not mine.
For me, active food addiction equaled isolation. In the beginning, the hardest tools for me were the ones that required me to interact with other people; the telephone and meetings. My sponsor kept prompting me, she said “until we are spiritually strong enough to hear from God directly, He uses the experience, strength and hope of our fellows to reach us”. By shutting our fellows out, we shut-out our Higher Power. So it was with eye rolls and begrudged disbelief, I made my stupid calls and went to meetings three times a week! And true to my sponsor’s word and lovely fellows, God pierced through the food fog and my disease. I have been led to a wisdom and clarity I could never have accessed on my own.
Fast forward eight years, and a 220-pound weight loss later, I am honored and fortunate enough answer called and be of service to newer members. It is in these discussions with newcomers that I am reminded of where I come from and am able to share the wisdom and hope that helped me through the early days of my recovery; the powerful words that were victorious against the self-defeating, broken-record, negative thinking that waged war in my brain. It was the suggestions and advice from loving fellows, alongside the Just for Todays and the meeting format that helped re-write the negative narrative in my head.
My sponsor assured me that getting abstinence was like driving a car. You have three peddles but only two feet, there are bells, whistles and lights you are not familiar with. You have to concentrate so much in the beginning to know how much to turn the key or when to shift gears, but after years of practice and experience there comes a relaxing ability to drive and listen to music or hand things back to your children. She assured me, like driving, I too could learn to be abstinent. When I learned to drive it was with my mother sitting right by my side. She was not a licensed driving instructor and could only share her firsthand experience and knowledge from numerous years behind the wheel of the car. This was the same as my sponsor. She was not a licensed healthcare professional, but she was willing to give me 15 minutes of her day to share with me how she had navigated life abstinently and free from compulsion and obsession with food. After eight years I can concur that while I must still be attentive and protective of my abstinence, same with my driving, there is definitely a rhythm, routine and ease in my abstinence now.
I’ve learned that it is easier to stay abstinent than to get abstinent (again). When I first joined FA, several ladies in my local fellowship were attempting to return after ‘doing more research.’ I can still recall exactly where I was in my backyard when one lovely person shared with me that if I was going to make the decision to do this Program, to just surrender and “keep doing it no matter what.” She said she could not even describe the beast she was battling with to get abstinent again since having broken her abstinence. This really scared me because I felt helpless against my own beast and couldn’t fathom it getting stronger. (Sadly, this woman never regained her abstinence and is now home ridden with obesity related health issues).
That being said, my story is not one where I got my 90 days in 90 days. I really struggled for several months in the beginning. One of my breaks was cleaning up after dinner when I subconsciously popped a food item into my mouth and swallowed it before I even realized it. Outraged, I informed my sponsor and anyone else who would listen, that It wouldn’t have even been counted as a point if it happened in one of the commercial diet programs I had tried. I was convinced that I should get a pass on that honest mistake! One fellow patiently listened and then asked me if I came into Program to lose weight or gain weight? “Why would anyone join a diet Program to gain weight?”, I thought. I confessed that I was over 300 pounds. She shared with me the simple truth, if I was the type of person who could have had just one bite, then I probably wouldn’t have gotten up to 300 pounds. That really hit me because I knew I had climbed my way up to 350 pounds because one bite led to the next bite, leading to the next bite, etc. until every opened box or bag was depleted. Unlike when my loved ones would try to intervene about my eating and would inevitably walk away with their head bitten off, I could hear this truth from her because she understood. She got it because she was a food addict. I was still learning that I too was a food addict and powerless over that first bite.
When I first started the Program, I was constantly looking at what others did and especially what others “got to eat.” I would be jealous if others were eating foods not on my plan or getting away with things I was not “allowed” to do. My sponsor would encourage me to give it more time to see whose actions would yield the better results. This was a flash back to my Mom who, when I was a teenager jealous when friends had later curfews or got to date before me, would say we would have to wait and see which parenting skills were better based on the adults we turned out to be. Once again, this served true in my experience in FA. In my narrow example, of all those peers I was once envious of, there are very few still in recovery. I am now grateful for the steadfast discipline, structure and guidance of my sponsor for giving me a strong foundation in FA, upon which I can build a sane and happy life.
What I love about FA is, is that recovery is progressive – it keeps getting better and better! Joining FA gave me hope that if I continued to put forth the effort into this Program I would have a beautiful body and an updated mindset. There were numerous other suggestions, guidance and wisdom spoken to me in my first 90 days and numerous more over the last eight years. I wish I could recall them all and give proper credit where credit is due but just know that if you are struggling to get abstinent, keep coming back, ask for help and take suggestions. If the suggestions seem hard, ask God for the willingness to be willing. Most importantly, just don’t eat no matter what!