A Story of Recovery:
Waddling No More
I was preparing for a gastric bypass surgery. I passed the screenings. When I passed the psych test, I thought: they do not really know me. I had them fooled, but if they said I was ready, I thought I’d go for it. I spoke with a coworker who gently and quietly suggested I go to a Thursday FA meeting. I decided I would check out a Tuesday meeting (no one I knew would be there).
I parked the car and watched people go in. Most of them were in “normal” size bodies. I remember thinking that I didn’t see anyone waddling like I did. I call it the waddle walk, sort of like how Red Foxx walked in his character, Fred Sanford, on television. That is the way I normally walked. The people going in the door seemed to be thin and walking normally. Finally I saw a few people who walked like me, swinging side to side, slowing progressing to a room that gave support and hope.
I got enough nerve to waddle into the room, careful to go up the 5-6 steps one at a time: right food on step one, left foot on step one, repeating until I could make my way through the doorway. Once inside, I quietly sat down to observe. I was greeted by a group of cheerful individuals. “Hi, what is your name?” Welcome. Is this your first time here? Welcome.” There were many pleasant greetings. I thought this must be a cult or something. These people were too happy, and it wasn’t even a church meeting where I know that people are supposed to be happy greeters. I wanted them to stop looking in my eyes and smiling. They seem to be looking into my inner soul…my inner self that I did not want strangers to meet or know. Since I like to get along and am amenable, I decided to be cordial.
I sat. I listened. I looked around the room. There were people of various sizes, various ages, various everything, but this group was more alike than different. Wow.
The lady at the front of the room asked how many addicts were there besides her. I did not raise my hand, as I did not want to “confess” to something I did not want to be. Then someone read something about no sugar and no flour. I forgot I was in a meeting and blurted out, “Yea right!” I quickly put my hand to my mouth and said embarrassingly, “Excuse me.” The lady sitting next to me chuckled slightly and told me that is exactly what she said during her first meeting. She later became my first sponsor. We ended up having similar dispositions and later learned our birthdays were one day apart. Oh, good, now I have someone who will understand me, I thought. Well she understood me better than I expected.
If I were a swearing person, I would swear that the speakers in the meetings had an intense conversation with my sponsor, because they tell my story again and again. They expose my hidden tricks of deception, my dishonesty, and my way to do FA. Not only the speakers who qualify, but other fellows who share their stories seem to know my story.
Honestly, in the beginning I did not do the program correctly. There were a few times I ate what I had not committed to God and my sponsor. I quickly discovered that I wanted to control my program. I voiced concern that I was much too busy to make three calls a day and three meetings a week, and I did not like the suggested foods; I had an allergy to one of them. My sponsor asked me to consult with my doctor, which resulted in a manageable eating plan. I still did not love it, but I did it.
Because of my stubbornness, I had a break, which prompted me to get a temporary sponsor. During this time, I had an experience in which I felt someone was being obstinate about my suggestions in various situations. I realized that just as I felt anger with someone for not cooperating with my recommendations, I was doing the same toward my sponsor. I wanted my way – my control. I learned to release my control. I started to have an attitude of okay; I will do what is suggested.
My temporary sponsor recommended my current sponsor. Her condition/request to sponsor me was that I be honest with her. I replied, “No problem, I will probably be too honest.”
My new sponsor held me accountable. She took the program seriously, and I respected her tenacity and the time she graciously volunteered to help me.
Believe me, when I released my control, I started releasing the pounds. The weight dropped significantly. I celebrated my 90-day abstinent date with 111 pounds released. It is a miracle.
When I started program, I took seven medications in the morning and five at night for high-blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes. I also gave myself shots of insulin nightly.
Not only have I released physical weight, but also emotional and spiritual weight. I’ve had some emotional release from the desire to please others and from not knowing how to verbalize what I want. If anyone asks my opinion now, I really want to know what the other person thinks.
The spiritual weight release has been phenomenal. I come from a strict religious upbringing. While there is a certain freedom in my belief system, there are also restrictions. Through meditation and reflection, I have come to a level of freedom and acceptance of myself that has put me on a deeper path and communication with my God.