A Story of Recovery:

Waking up

From the first day of honest and committed abstinence, I have had the gift of waking up without shame for my actions of the day and night before. I used to walk around with constant shame for the secret life I had with food, hidden from the people who knew me.

I was not a social eater. In public, I chose diet-type foods, and prided myself for my reputation of not eating sugar and of having vegetables and the “will power” to maintain my normal weight. But alone in the evening, all bets were off, and I dove into sugar and flour with abandon.

I used bulimia, exercise, and chewing and spitting out food to keep the weight off. My eating was like that of a hungry animal, voracious and rushed. I would read or watch TV shows while I binged—I did not want to be conscious. A therapist (I thought she could fix me) once suggested that I watch myself in the mirror while having a binge. Out loud I said, “That’s a good idea,” but to myself I thought, I eat to be unconscious. Seeing myself in the food would defeat the purpose!

Recovery has been, and is, a daily commitment I make to be awake, to be conscious, to look in the mirror. When feelings come, like fear, insecurity, and doubt, instead of pushing them aside, I turn to my God and ask him for the help I need to not run away. I wait until I feel Him with me. If I need more help, I use the tools. I use the phone to hear the voice of a fellow food addict and I can remember that I am not alone. Sometimes I need to write a “Dear God” letter to give a problem to God and get it out of my head.

I have not changed; I still need relief. But just as I sought strength and comfort from food, I now find it with God, the tools of FA, and my fellowship. These have become my solution, and they fill me up and calm me down in very real ways. The food left me feeling more alone, frightened, and insecure.

Thank God for FA and this simple life. After years of sitting in the rooms of FA, but not surrendering to consistent abstinence, years of leaving and returning, I finally gave up fighting with God, and jumped into the middle of the pool. I made the decision to fully commit, one day at a time.

It has only been five months of consistent abstinence and working the program as it is laid out. But five months is enough to show me how much more rewarding full commitment is. I am convinced that, for me, this is the solution. And by following the footsteps of those before me, I am getting better, day by day.