A Story of Recovery:

Weight Lifted

FA has taught me that in order to stop eating addictively, I have to face things I feel badly about. With the proven guidance of the Twelve Steps, I realized that I needed to make things right with my parents and my sister and her family.

In the past, my self-centeredness never took a break. When I lived with my parents, I stole dessert mixes out of my mom’s yearly food supply and ate the jars of food she spent many hours canning. I ate specially prepared desserts and home-cooked meals and gifts meant for others. I snuck boxes of food and cooked them, using as many condiments as possible, while the family was at church. Often it didn’t even taste good, but I always had to be eating lots of something, anything. Then I would throw it up in the bathroom or on my mom’s lilac bushes.

I was angry and felt alone. I hated my family, my life, and myself. I coped by eating and cutting myself. I didn’t know what else to do. I believed that I was taking good care of myself by making sure to purge up all the food I ate. The purging kept me thin. My “coping” mechanisms got more and more destructive. Street drugs sped up my disease and eventually I spent some time homeless. Bulimia, drugs, alcohol, wandering the streets, and rooting around in dumpsters took up all of my time. I couldn’t make it into to work so I quit. I stole things and spent some time in jail. I avoided phone calls from my parents and only called them if I was cold, homeless, or stranded. They didn’t have much, but always sent me what they could.

At one time, I was living with my sister and her husband, rent free, until I could get on my feet. I hid in my room and ate. My sister used to lovingly bake things for her young daughters, and I ate them. I skimmed food from their take-home containers in the fridge and ate the lunch food they were storing in the fridge. I sometimes tried to replace the food before it was missed, but I often ate the replacement food on the way back from the store.

Then I ran out of money. I think I asked my sister and her husband for a loan, but I’m not sure because I was drunk, high on drugs, and bingeing and purging most of the time. Eventually my sister and her husband asked me to move out. I don’t remember feeling anything. I was just focused on the next drink, bite, purge. They helped me move and I basically felt relief. Now I didn’t have to feel guilty or sneak around. I could relax.

I had reached a point of desperation when I learned about FA and Twelve-Step programs. I heard that if I wanted what those people had, I had to do what they were doing. I joined FA and took my sponsor’s suggestions. I learned that the solution is to put down the food and face my life.

I had two emotional and financial amends to make to my family for stealing food, borrowing money without paying it back, and being irresponsible and neglectful. My sponsor guided me in how to make graceful and tactful amends to my parents and to my sister.

My parents are loving, accepting, and delightful, yet I hated and blamed them for most of my problems for most of my life. They now live in another state, so I sent them a check and called them with my apology. They refused payments, but said how proud they were of me and that they wholeheartedly supported me in FA. Since coming into FA about three-and-a-half years ago, I have been calling them regularly. I now call them about once a week and it is such a gift to hear their voices.

My tears flowed as my sister and her husband graciously forgave me and accepted the money I had brought as a start toward paying them back. Although I owed them quite a bit more, they said they didn’t want payments, but wondered if I would like to again be part of their family. Overwhelmed by the miracle of abstinence and the Twelve Steps, we cried, hugged, and talked and talked. As I hugged my sister, I felt I had found the sister I had lost. Later we made plans for me to go to the zoo with her daughter.

The weight off of my soul is tremendous. After making my amends, I was very excited. What’s my next financial amends going to be? What does God want to heal now? My sponsor said, “You seem to be done with financial amends, but I think you might need an emergency savings account.” Oh. I was a little deflated, but I totally trust my sponsor.

One day after my FA meeting, my car barely started. It coughed and sputtered all the way home, but by the grace of God, I was able to drive it to the mechanic. I realized that I would need to pay for the repairs with my emergency savings account. How do sponsors know stuff like that? Maybe God tells them.