A Story of Recovery:
What a Difference a Year Makes
I was heading to an FA meeting one morning on a call to a fellow member telling her how I had come into FA. When I finished, I realized I had a story to tell.
It was May 2014; I had just had surgery that left me unable to put my foot on the floor for 4 weeks. I was housebound; all I did was eat and sit, day in, day out. I could not cook or clean for my family, which at first I did not have a problem with, but as the weeks went on I started to feel pretty useless. I ate with a vengeance and ended up gaining 10 pounds. Every issue that could possibly plague my mind came to me as I progressed in my sedentary lifestyle. One of them was the wedding of a dear friend coming up in August. To say I was feeling bad about my weight was an understatement. I was down to my last pair of “fat pants” and even they were getting snug. I didn’t want to leave the house. The thought of going to that wedding in a fat body had me in total despair. I was constantly coming up with scenarios of how I was going to tell my friend I couldn’t make it to her wedding; I thought about booking a vacation or maybe a fictitious illness, but deep down I knew she would be upset and this would damage our friendship. Was I ready to forgo my relationship because of this weight issue? Why had I let my weight get so out of control?
At first, I thought about doing Weight Watchers, which I had tried years before, but I knew the second I stopped counting points the weight would be back. Then I remembered an acquaintance, who had lost all kinds of weight by not eating sugar. So I cruised the internet looking for diets without sugar. I never found anything, which in hindsight is a good thing. Despair set in and I found myself praying frequently. My answer came in the form of an article in my local newspaper. It talked about eliminating flour and sugar and some organization called FA. They had a public information meeting in two weeks and the date of the meeting was the very first day I would be able to drive after my surgery. I immediately said thank you to God; I know it was Divine Intervention that had a hand in this as it was rare that I actually read this particular newspaper. I marked it on my calendar and hobbled on my crutches to that meeting on June 18, 2014.
I was blown away by the testimonials of folks who had been in the program for years. I knew immediately I was jumping on board. I asked someone to sponsor me: She laid out what I was to do and I was to begin first thing in the morning. I told her I would have to wait until the next day as I needed my husband to help me with the grocery shopping because of my crutches. She volunteered herself and a friend to go to the store right then and there to assist me. I’m not one to rely on help from others so I said I couldn’t possibly let them put themselves out like that: It was 8:45 at night! My new sponsor would not take no for an answer and off to shop we went. I was stunned! Thank you God!!
I climbed into bed that night with a big smile on my face. As I drifted off to sleep, I recognized it as HOPE. I actually looked forward to the morning and slept like a baby. Very quickly, I saw that committing my food and putting it on the scale gave me such a sense of peace and freedom.
August came rolling around and I ended up going to my friend’s wedding. I had lost some of my weight, and although I felt better about myself, I still had some issues that needed to be dealt with.
Flash forward to May 2015, I have another wedding to attend. I have been in the program for almost a year. I have lost 42 pounds and kept if off. I’m ensconced in this program, but have not achieved 90 days of abstinence. I go and buy a nice dress. Although I am looking forward to this wedding, I have anxiety. I love to dance, but often feel anxious dancing in front of others. The aid of alcohol would sometimes, but not always help. I never really understood what that feeling was, but with the assistance of fellows I now see it for what it is: self-centered fear. This self-centered fear plagues me in other areas of my life, not just when I’m dancing.
I have so many opportunities to see how the tools in this program work. First, I pray about my anxiety, asking God to help me let it go and then try to hand it over to Him. I ask Him to please help me to just enjoy myself and calm my self-centered fears. I also make a phone call to someone in FA. I relay my fears to her, and we engage in a dialogue that really makes me think. She tells me, “I want you to go to that wedding and be your own best friend”. I think to myself, “Be my own best friend? What would that be like?” If my best friend had relayed these fears to me, I would tell her all kinds of nice things that would build her up. So, why can’t I do that for myself? Why can’t I be my own best friend and be kind to myself? It was a simple suggestion but so profound at the same time.
I went to the wedding and on the way there I said a prayer and asked God to be with me. I ate an abstinent meal and did not drink alcohol. I danced all night and did not have one bit of the anxiety that has always bothered me at weddings. At one point I was learning some new line dance and as I looked around, I realized I didn’t know anyone on the dance floor. I just smiled and continued having fun.
As I drove home with my husband I remarked what an incredibly fun wedding it was. I thought about the fact that my anxiety was non-existent through the whole event and I was kind of stunned. Was it the fact that I had turned to God? Was it using of the tool of the telephone to make that much needed connection? Was it the verbalizing of my embarrassing self-centered fear that now freed me of it? Was it that I stayed abstinent though the wedding? Or was it the combination of all of these?
I do not know, but I do know these little miracles happen all the time in this program. You just have to do your part and wait for them to happen.
P.S. I forgot to mention that the actual day of this wedding I achieved my first 90 days.