A Story of Recovery:

When I started eating something, I couldn’t help but finish it.

I believe that I have been a food addict since I came out of the womb. As early as nine or ten, I began having the feeling that food was a drug. When I started something, I couldn’t help but finish it. I started feeling ashamed of my body because I was so fat. At 12, I weighted 174 pounds, with a huge double chin, round belly, and a square back. Making friends was hard because I was so insecure and got teased a lot in school. I wanted what everyone else had all the time. I was on a constant search to be something other than myself.

I failed at the diets I tried as a kid because I was always trying to find a way I could keep eating and not feel deprived. I would work my way around the kitchen on a futile hunt for the one thing that would “do it.” I couldn’t make it through a page of homework without sweets and sugary drinks. I would read the same paragraph over and over and get frustrated because I couldn’t concentrate. I thought it was because I was a “free spirit” and a “creative type,” but now I see that I was in a food-induced fog.

College was worse. I gained the “freshman 60” instead of the “freshman 15.” There was so much food in the cafeteria I didn’t know what to do. At this point, I started really hating food. Sugar began to hurt my mouth, and I felt sicker and sicker. I felt trapped in my body. I had new stretch marks every day. My thighs rubbed together, and I would sweat a lot. I remember one day trying to pull my underwear up, and it wouldn’t go past my knees. I was mortified.

I found Program when I was 19 and weighed over 220 pounds. Although I didn’t feel “at home” at my first meeting, I really, really wanted to be thin. So I listened. At the time, I did not think I had a life problem, nor did I make the connection between what I was eating and my weight. Although I didn’t really understand it at first, I loved the idea of being completely honest about my food. That was so new to me!

The most important thing I have received from FA is a relationship with a God of my understanding. I am no longer lonely; and when I am scared, it is fleeting. I am no longer as hard on myself when I screw up. I am in a thin body and have the energy and will to really life. The more I surrender, the more peace I have. Without FA, I’d be sunk. It has never let me down – for that I am forever grateful.