A Story of Recovery:
When my mother died, I hit an all-time low
When my mother died, my life fell apart and my relationships with my family hit an all-time low. My siblings and I were fighting over my mother’s estate, and I was very unhappy with my life, my husband, and my children. When you asked me how life was, my response was, “It sucks!” I was unemployed, on welfare, and all the things that were wrong with my life were someone else’s fault.
I suffered a mild depression due to the stresses of my mother’s passing. Since my youngest sister and I were the only beneficiaries out of seven siblings, there was a lot of family resentment. At the time, my doctor prescribed antidepressants, but I was so afraid of being addicted to pills that I did not take them. However, I was eating uncontrollably, using food to escape from the pain of living and from the sadness of having lost my mother. I was eating because I could not handle the problems around my family. I had always used food as a means of pleasure, but my food addiction really kicked in during that period because I felt overwhelmed by the sudden pressures of my life. My mother was no longer around to get me out of the messes I got myself into.
I heard about FA while participating in a motivational seminar that was supposed to advance my future career and financial status by leaps and bounds. Of course, I did not pay for this seminar. My youngest sister, who was my cohort in these self-help and transformational seminars, always found a way to pay for us to participate. She and I were eating buddies as well. We always sought each other’s company, and as we grew older, we found that food was the glue that always kept us together.
A mutual friend of ours was also participating in this seminar. She was someone who had been heavy and struggled with her weight constantly. We all knew one of the seminar leaders from the past and I remembered her as being overweight. When we saw her again at the seminar, she looked stunning! She was wearing clothes that revealed her slender figure, her hair was cropped short and stylish, and she was unbelievably different from the frumpy woman I remembered. She told our friend about FA, who was upset that a stranger would talk to her about being overweight. However, the seed was planted.
Our friend decided to give FA a try and her life started to change. She shared her experience being in FA with my sister, who would have none of it. In fact, my sister thought it would be better for me, because I was really feeling low about my body. She thought I might be interested.
I was at a point of my life when I pretty much stopped caring about myself. I hated my body and thought I was ugly. I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I hated getting up in the mornings, when my first thought every day was, “I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed. I wish I was dead!” I hated my life so much. I took my misery out on my beautiful children and my husband. I was not getting along with my husband; I thought he was one of the biggest pains of my life.
I finally decided that if my sister did FA, I would try it, too. That was how we approached things, “If you do it, I’ll do it!” That was how we did Weight Watchers, diets, gyms, and exercise classes in an effort to lose weight. When we failed at these efforts, we sabotaged ourselves by going back to the food—together.
The first meeting we went to was a weird experience for me. I thought the people were strange. I don’t remember the leader, but I recall being surprised that FA was actually an “anonymous” program. It was the first time I ever heard of the Twelve Steps. It was the first time I ever heard the Serenity Prayer. I loved the Serenity Prayer. Even though that first meeting didn’t click for me, the Serenity Prayer stuck with me. I was always interested in having a better relationship with God and, for some reason (maybe a God thing) this prayer was the one thing that made me interested in going to more meetings.
We continued to attend meetings, although it was sporadic at best. For several months I did not commit to anything. I just kept listening to people share their stories. Slowly I began to hear and see how FA was really changing people’s lives, and my defenses started to melt away. I was impressed with the people who talked openly about their eating habits and problems. I envied the slender members who were dressed to the nines and looked the way I always wanted to look—stylish and well put together. When I heard that these women were once larger than I was, and when I saw their pictures, I started to put down my cynicism and judgments about the people speaking in front of the rooms. When I heard repeatedly that people were maintaining weight losses and normal sized bodies for 5, 10, and 15 years, I was sold that this program was what I needed.
My sister and I decided to get a sponsor and do the FA program. That morning, before we went to the FA meeting, we had what we laughingly referred to as our “last supper.” We each bought a supersized breakfast from McDonalds—a restaurant that we had stopped eating at because we were “food connoisseurs.” During the meeting, when it came time for the sponsors to stand up and say if they were available, my sister and I looked with intent at who we were going to approach at the break. My sister pointed to one young woman and told me that I should talk to her. My heart was beating fast. All of a sudden, it became a life or death situation that I find a sponsor. I was disappointed when I could not find the woman my sister was pointing at. Actually, I was scared to talk to a stranger and wanted to avoid doing what I said I was going to do.
When the break was over, I sat back down in my chair feeling dejected. As the meeting ended, my sister and I walked towards the door. My sister suddenly grabbed my arm and said “There’s the woman I was telling you about who can sponsor you. Go ask her!” She was talking to somebody else but my sister insisted I go speak with her.
Thank God for my little sister. I waited until the woman finished her conversation and then, when I approached her, I couldn’t find the right words to say and started crying. What came out was “Can you help me?” I felt broken and vulnerable. She looked at me kindly and said, “Yes.” I will never forget that interaction. I will never forget how this woman, whom I had never met before, took me into her arms and guided me to the road of recovery. I will always be grateful to her and to FA for the way my life has changed.
Today, with the help of my sponsor, I have structure in my life. Who knew how the actions of putting my food on a scale would bring miracles into my life and help me confront my problems and deal with them instead of running away or numbing out? Every person that I had the courage to open up to always told me just to start by weighing and measuring my food. It didn’t make sense to me how this would make my life better. The people with recovery told me repeatedly to keep coming back. My sponsor kept telling me do the FA tools. Little by slow, my life started transforming.
I admit life can still be unmanageable and overwhelming, but because of the spiritual practices that FA has given me, I no longer need to rely on food to make me feel good. I no longer have to lie or cheat with my food or in my life. Today I am more comfortable in my own skin. Today I am a grateful person who can be present in life without the fear of failure haunting my days. Today I live life and enjoy myself. Thank you God!