A Story of Recovery:

Write Before the Bite

I have a special affection for using the tool of writing on a daily basis. Writing works to get me back on track when I am feeling off center. It always brings me into contented abstinence and serenity. It quells the drive to become frantic when my thinking becomes muddled and confused.

In my disease days, I would quell my frantic energy with a “snack” that would turn into a binge. I almost always chose sugar and flour items to numb my thinking and my feelings. I would then end up in front of the TV with a cheesy talk show and pretend I was watching, while I was really planning the trail back to the kitchen for my next food item to consume. This behavior led to a weight gain of 40 pounds more than I am now, asthma, bulimia, anorexia, and obsessive-compulsive thinking. I was not free to live my life while under the influence of food.

Sometimes in the day-to-day of living FA, my thinking can get negative. With the stress and strain of daily living and work demands, it can be tempting to drive faster, work harder, and try to achieve “great” things. When I am mentally headed in this direction, the fallback into disconnect is near. After disconnect is discontent, and if I play that movie through, the food is close at hand.

Before FA, I would write after the bite, tears falling on the paper as I penned some incredibly philosophical food-induced poem. Now I write before the bite. When I pull out my pad of paper, I usually start with a letter to God. I tell God how I feel and lay out the situation that I am in. By this time, my soul slows down enough to get grateful.

After I start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I end the page with a plan of action that I try to prioritize, from most to least important. At the top of the list is a gratitude list—with my precious abstinence first and foremost. After the medicine of my own gratitude has soothed my mind and heart, I am free to write about other useful actions that I can take in my life. I am then thankfully on my merry way. No bite, no fear, no problem.

 

This story was originally published in the Connection Magazine. Subscribe to the Connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.